Reflecting in my morning practise I was lead down a path of the past. This time of year seems to being that for many of us. Erring towards winter a natural release and shedding as we move towards the dream time. The deep belly of winter.
I found myself thinking about a past love and a friend, both of whom are no longer in my life. Both a huge loss. They chose to walk away from our connection. The irony they are now both best friends. I am left outside. Cast aside without even a word of their leaving. Holding my tender heart, gripping on to stories that fuel my inadequacy. Believe me it takes every ounce of my being sometimes not to rage, my abandonment and ‘not good enough’ wounds still being tended. Fragile and raw. However, time passes and it becomes less.
This morning I was filled with great tenderness, love and gratitude for them both. For the part they played in my life and the fact they ‘left me’.
Both are such incredible humans. Full of love, integrity and strength. Each played a vital part in my healing and becoming. Both loved me so deeply and wholly yet at the end of the day both CHOOSE THEMSELVES.
This is the beauty.
Choosing ourselves. When we are in relationship with anyone and it is causing us pain we have a choice. Yes, I know this is not as easy for some. Those locked in abusive relationships. I feel you. I hear you. I support you. Yet, we do choose. Each individual has free will.
The question is how do we find the strength and SELF BELIEF to choose ourselves?
Sometimes we are bewitched by another. We enter and stay in relationships as we feel we see their brilliance when they don’t. We want to change them. This my friends can never happen. A person has to want to CHANGE THEMSELVES. Fact.
We project our own GOLD onto them. Unable to see our own beauty and brilliance we project it on to them so they can shine bright. Us in the shadows where we think we belong..
Sometimes we enter relationship, eyes blinkered to the truth, from our desire to be loved. It comes a stark cold day when we remove the rose tinted specs and realise they were never there for us. Simply we were a beautiful part of their ego story.
You see, we ALL have stories. We ALL have wounds. Some choose to work with them and remove the shades, the lies to peak above and see truth even if this means being alone.
Others choose to stay. Choice.
Takes us to edges. Yes.
Many of my clients say ‘it’s hard’. I find myself saying this to my own therapist. Yet when has growth ever been ‘easy’ for me there is an edge for that is how we grow and shift. We come to the edge it can be uncomfortable, scary, and/or exciting.
Change for many including myself is scary. For others liberating. It means we are asked to look at things differently. We are asked to tend our wounds. Our beliefs and our vulnerability.
To hold on with such a tight fist means we do not allow ourselves or the other to grow. To change. To bloom. It kills us slowly. Painfully. Think of a plant without light. It slowly shrivels and dies. Same with us.
To hold on hinders us becoming the sovereign beings we are here to be. To bloom to shine. To love. It does arguably come at a cost. The cost?
When we allow spaciousness. When we remove the shadowy lenses and heal our toxic stories and patterns of behaviour we begin to know our beauty, our brilliance, our place in the world without the need foe another to constantly validate us.
|We reclaim our GOLD.|
We know deeply that we have a right to be loved.We know deeply we belong in the world.We know deeply that we are valued, valuable and worthy
Through this knowing we release the ‘other’. We liberate ourselves.
These two beloveds that left my life chose themselves. I depended on them to love me. To show me their great hearts as I was unable to see my own.
Both left without a word after years. The wound is still there yet now I smile.
Grateful for them leaving. It liberated me from myself.
I took the journey that I still travail to self sovereignty. Self love. Self acceptance and grace.
Without them leaving I’d arguably still be wanting their eyes to see myself rather than using my own. I wouldn’t have the deep knowing finally that their leaving gave me life. For this I am grateful. For this gift of self I bow to them. My teachers. My beloveds. Always in my heart.
Loosen the grip
Open your eyes
Take the armour down from your heart
Surrender to yourself
Reclaim your beauty
Stand in your brilliance and shine
Reflect yourself in your own mirror.
For everything you love you will loose at some point.
They will die, you will die, they will leave, you will leave.
How my friends we choose to dance in the in between the journey of life is a choice.
What do you choose?
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