Ok – So, after numbing out all day, here I sit at my computer on a glorious March evening where the sun has been shining and reflect on how quickly the year is passing…. Everything in my life right now ‘should’ see me feeling on top of the world and full of potential:
• I completed my Master’s degree
• I start at a new clinic next week
• I volunteer at a local hospice so I am in service
• I run community projects which empower and inspire women in my local community
• I have great friends
• I’m financially viable…well in many respects
• I am intelligent, educated, healthy and have no ‘responsibilities’
• For the first time in my life I KNOW I MATTER and am GOOD PERSON•
My family are supportive
• I have amazing opportunities
• I own my apartment outright (yes, I know I am very fortunate)
Yes, there is a YET…..I am feeling lonely, tired and very isolated right now…I have just let go of someone I really liked whom I was dating as they would not give me time and I realise that I am worth spending time with.
Whilst some may read this and think ….’what’s she got to moan about she’s not sick, lost a close person, about to loose my home, homeless etc. etc I understand this and can yes, empathise as I have been in ALL those places (and more), I still however, battle with this thing called ‘low self-esteem and depression’.
I had my first ‘proper’ break down at 28, another at circa 30….. I realise I have battled with mental health issues all my life. This is what makes me great at what I do – I GET IT!!! I am not sitting on a freaking throne preaching I know this ‘shit’ I also know how we navigate, how we grow and how we expand from being with it, working with it, welcoming it and growing with it and from it!
From my Kinesiology training years ago I recognise I can manage it through diet, exercise, friends, therapy, homeopathy and nature. Yet, still it comes up and can bite me on my increasingly growing backside! Yes, when I allow my self-sabotage monster to come through and stop me from exercising and being creative my mental health suffers….. I know for myself that it is due to a lack of connection… Connection that in my youth saw me jumping into bed with men to have a sense of ‘feeling wanted’. Of desperately wanting to create events for people to attend so I actually felt I had friends and was connecting!
YET, I realise more and more having just ‘called time’ with someone who I really liked and had opened myself to that actually ‘top level’ communication, lack of presence, in-congruent connection and communication just doesn’t cut it with me anymore… it leaves me feeling ‘dead, depressed, lonely and confused.’
I LONG for connection.,. Indeed, research shows us that it is imperative that we have connection, touch, and communication in order to maintain health and well-being.
I am incredibly grateful to have a few people in my life who offer me this, yet, we ALL have busy lives. As a woman with no children, self-employed, no partner I recognise that life can be very lonely as I ‘run a story’ that I can’t reach out too much for being needy’, ‘others are too busy or I’m imposing’. Sooooo many stories I can go in to but am choosing not to.
So, whilst I have great people I also realise that I long for something more. A level of presence of connection, of communication that few can actually offer. I was recently attending a Grief Apprentice training work which speaks to my soul and was again struck at how each person on this week was present, attentive and honest about speaking with me. How when I was with them we were not looking at our phones, or another, we were not avoiding our emotions or truth. No, we looked each other in the eye with care, with curiosity and tenderness, with intelligence and wonder, we spent time in nature and together. There were tears, there was much laughter and there was LOVE, respect and HONESTY.
Yes, there was a love of each individual as a human being – not because of their status, attractiveness (don’t get me wrong some of these individuals were just sublime), no, these people were beautiful and wondrous simply from being really f**king real, human and truthful. This is what we fall in love with – people being brave enough to show up in their humanity, to really sink into the realness of who they are, what they stand for, daring to ‘do the work’ stand up for who they are and what they believe in. For to not do so causes the heart and soul so much pain we dive in to a place I find myself in – numbing out through our additions and loneliness.
My salvation again and again I realise is writing my truth – its raw, its painful, its ugly and it certainly ‘ain’t sweet’ but you know what – it speaks the truth – it speaks to what it is to be human. It speaks to the work I have done and continue to do on myself and with my clients….
I pray every day to find my tribe that can hold me and meet me in this place of truth, of rawness and vulnerability of strength and pure grit for within it is a heart of gold, a passion so strong that it could make nature changes it course and gods tremble in its wake. Someone gifted me with their parting words last week of ‘you are a force of nature’ with this I take to my heart as I surrender to my tears, longing and prayer that in everything I do, I do what is greater than I and to ALWAYS be in service, to open my heart and be brave enough to live and love fully with every ounce of my BE-ing and within that I pray I find tribe and my beloved….So may it be…
Sarah Bullock March 27 2019