Let the stellar aspect of yourself weave the threads of mystery and ‘lore’. Undo all that which no longer serves and give yourself permission to BECOME.
You are a light in this dark world, for you know your own darkness. It has illuminated the shadows of your life, your past, it now illuminates the flame of your truth. Let it guide you always and ‘all ways’ into the deeper connection to the divine.
Whole and Holy the crucible, this vessel of you. Whole and Holy, this sacred chalice.
Honour it and honour yourself. Believe and BE-LIVE. These moments may appear to hold the madness of the world and indeed they do, yet, at the same moment there is a redress occurring at the fundamental level of the mystery. Scientists will assume and place ‘facts’ upon these times, philosophers will pontificate on the teachings of Plato, yet, you, yourself have been a conduit for this change.
Everyone who has wished for a ‘different world’, who wished for the patriarchy to topple, for a rebalance to occur. Well, your wishes have been answered, be careful what you wish for dear heart, for it will never come in the form you desire.
The mystery still has the ‘upper hand’, if there are hands to be played.
Whilst man attempts to control, control can never be controlled. Remember this as you begin to RE-MEMBER yourselves.
A collective Shamanic dismemberment is occurring. Yet, as much as it is disturbing as any dismemberment is you, your life, your beliefs and patterns are challenged and will be changed.
You never emerge the same way. Yet, emerge you will.
Yes, there is loss and we do not apologise for this, for in order for us to awaken from our slumber and putrid excesses we have to know loss. This, IF we allow; awakens our heart, opens our eyes and begins to enable us to believe in something a new. Believe and BE – LIVE. The altercations that occur are timely.
Release the sticky fist from the shelf of sugar laden, colourfully papered misconceptions of happiness. The illusions of grandeur and awaken to the realness of you, your life, your breath, your body, your place.
You, your sacred place, this sacred BEing that you are, become this…only this.
Allow the deaths to touch you, the honesty, courage of others and yourself to open that closed heart. See not from silted blinkered eyes but from eyes open to the wonder and beauty all around.
Let it in, drop by drop, drip by drip, let it touch you, let it melt you and heal you.
The time of the closed heart is no more. Let yourself open to that which hurts and heals.
This muscle. It hurts to lose, it hurts to love. Same muscle. Let them both in side by side, the sacred union, drip by drip, drop by drop.
This balance, this dance, this medicine that brings us back to our humanity, away from the bags, boxes, bottles into breath, body heart.
Your heart and breath meeting yourself, perhaps for the first time. An initiation to self. Meeting another truly, deeply, without the veil of illusion.
A chink in the matrix being illuminated for all to see.
To feel if they wish.
It is there.
It is here.
How many more times will this happen?
Hah! Only the mystery knows. Yet remember this my beloved: YOU, dreamed and wished for a different world, as it is emerging. You are emerging. The world will keep rejuvenating, pulsing and living long after you and I are gone. Remember this. She knows not what you are, yet, she knows what you have become. She is taking back her right as the giver of all life, NOT you, ‘man’. It is she the ‘Great Mother’, this earth, the balance of sun and earth, the masculine nature and feminine nurture the sacred union, Hieros Gamos, coming finally back into balance. Showing us what is possible.
IT IS POSSIBLE: you are never alone, we are always held, you are held by something far greater than ‘us’ in our fragility as a human.
Become they of the stars and the earth, become the Being you are here to be in all your glorious messy, beauty-filled humanness and begin.
It is a morning practise for me to write, within this I ‘free write’ a kinda free flow of writing, oracular messages if you will. Something greater than myself speaks through me. I am called at these times to begin to share. Take what you will and leave the rest. Feel free to share. There will be audible versions available soon. With much love from my heart and hearth to you and yours, In grace, Sarah
The wounding of the father and mother run deep in many of us, for it comes not from us but through that genetic chain, that ancestral coding and trauma passed through generations. A hidden thread weaving through invisible until it becomes visible, slipping unnoticed, resurfacing for those at the point in time that one is here to clear it for all moving forward.
The wounds run deep, they are not always tangible but can take form in a myriad of ways. Mistrust, depict, affairs, the lack of feeling satisfied. The feeling that something is ‘wrong’ yet unable to identify what.
The trauma the ancestors: war, famine, rape, abandonment, slavery, metal health, illness, treasury and treason…..asking us to hide our light, the wisdom of our ancestors, shielded behind this illusive veil, being offered, yet fear of acceptance, of allowing for that fear of persecution , of shining of speaking up.
Our voices close and then our hearts, or is it the heart then the voice?
Becoming a vessel for loose sex, seeking validation through the carnal, yet this only continues to play out old patterns, devoid of reverence, the sacred act of Hieros Gamos comes to be unknown, contemplation of the other, a distant memory. All becomes an exchange of currency rather than love, appreciation, play and pleasure.
This carnal vessel, the taking of virtue; others use it in wily ways, a currency…come into my hidden depths that I shall shave, pluck, alter and hone for ‘your pleasure’ forgetting, NO! Ignoring that deep chthonic sensual aspect of ourselves as primal woman and primal man, those from before the ‘fucking’ those that have danced together and with the divine, the God and Goddess, uniting as one in the sacred flame of fire to create.
The creation of life that comes in the birth of the Sacred Union – that ‘coming and cumming’ together.
This spark of creation lies within us all. That flame long dormant for fear of ignition through trauma. Heal the trauma, heal the story, reawaken the flame, the flame of creation.
First, use it to nourish yourself deeply, fully; this Holy chalice of you in all your glory.
Reclaim your voice, your womb, your phallus. The union of the masculine and feminine within so you may then seek and meet without. To meet yourself in here, this balance of these aspects then casts a golden light back through your line. The NDA changes, morphing, expanding, shedding the old, recalibrating, expanding through all lifetimes, all paradigms.
This union of Self, all parts, heals us whole. It calls us home to this body, this breath. Calling us into being and this dance, right now of creation.
Look back with a tender gaze. Cease to blame those from whence you came, from where you were born for that in itself is and was a sacred act, no matter what has unfolded; YOU. ARE. HERE.
Now it is your turn to rebirth yourself.
How my beloved, how do you do choose to allow this to unfold?
Heal the trauma, heal the story. Take the breath of life, the spark of creation into your own hands, and know that in this moment, this choice, you my love, this beauty filled being of now that you are: YOU. CAN. START. AGAIN.
Seek wisely your counsel, friends, beloveds, teachers and roles in life. Take time to change the pattern. Each breath, each step anew, yet each one with awareness, curiosity, grace. Each one a choice in your own body.
How do you feel to me when I am with you?
How am I when I am with you? When I let you close? Is that too close or not close enough?
When your lips touch mine, is it a divine awakening or is it a dull, flat lined response?
Do I come alive or numb out? Settling, wanting to take away the dull ache of loneliness?
Can I open myself to you and be so sure of myself, to the deepest aspects that even if you go, I have my centre, my place within me, myself, my life?
Do I loose myself again, and again?
Questions and answers….
Come home to yourself my love. Come home to yourself and your own Hieros Gamos, this place of balance and unity within you and know beyond all else:
Surrender to the depths of this vast heart field you share with the world.
Can you allow yourself to sink ever further into the field of love, possibility and beauty?
Surrender and soften my love, back into the arms of the divine grace and yourself. Nothing and NO THING to ‘do’ simply an allowing and curious glance from soft eyes.
These times, these times call for soft eyes, for you to welcome this softening, this vessel of you, yourself, this vessel of love to soften for yourself. Look to yourself for this mirror of love, no one else.
Yes, it may be reflected by some, mirror it back, drink from the well deeply, but first the love and acceptance must come from within.
Whilst, we still search, long and yearn for that external validation, we are tipped off centre.
It is true that when another accepts and loves us it gives us permission to be ourselves, but how often do you then ‘get stuck’? Reliant on that mirror? Once it goes or shatters you are left bereft, hollow, self-loathing and punishing?
Allow these others to be a beautiful holding, yet become not reliant on that build those mirrors yourself, polish them with your breath and hair, pour yourself into them so they gleam with the radiance and truth of your authentic self.
Be the truth of you, ALL of it. Yes, my love, that involves the ‘excluded’ parts, for whilst you exclude yourself you seek outside and top of centre.
The truth of you is the multifaceted, non-perfect gem that you are, the mirror with a slight chip. This is what makes you so perfectly imperfect. It is what shapes your journey, it does not have to define you.
Long held wisdom wishes to unfold and be breathed into the world, drop into this place and allow it to begin to take form through this creative vessel, this human being in the world. You.
Yes, my love it is time to take the cloth and begin, breath by breath, stroke by stroke to polish that inner mirror of you.
Begin to reveal yourself to yourself and see the miracles that unfold around you in all ways.
An opportunity to work with this incredible and transformative book.
We will work in a small closed group for 6 weeks looking at two stories and how they mirror our own lives.
Working with metaphor and story can be profound and insightful to how we are ‘playing our own stories’ and how we may rewrite them.
The sessions will run WEDNESDAYS 7-9pm
2 stories 6 weeks
from 17 MARCH
What they say:
I feel that this work is not only beneficial to individuals but also to the wider community because we need collectively to reconnect with our soul, our deepest selves in order to have any hope of solving our many social and environmental issues.
Sarah Bullock is a highly skilled practitioner who offers a rich, creative, safe, interactive space that fosters openness, deep sharing and opportunities for personal and community growth and enrichment. I am extremely grateful that this (as well as some of her other projects) has been funded because what she offers is invaluable and there are many in this local community, like myself, who struggle financially and who would not otherwise be able to afford such supportive and nourishing learning and development opportunities. MBH
‘ wonderful inclusive space where we were encouraged to explore, debate and question our thoughts and society’s constructs of what it means to be a woman’. Thank you, Sarah, Kirsty
How often have you found yourself asking one or all of the following?
‘What’s wrong with me?’
“What did I do wrong?’
‘Why does no one love me?’
‘Why do I fall for someone, only for them to not want me?’
‘What. Why. How….?’
You know what I am referring to if you resonate with any of these…
If you’re anything like me…..it’s been pretty frequently over the years…are you tired of it? I am. Golly, so bored of running that dialogue with myself. Perpetually, telling myself such negative things. Causing myself pain, emotionally and physically, not to mention the mental turmoil.
A teacher once (Tom Balistreri) said something that rocked me to the core…’the first step of initiation, is to never say anything nasty to yourself again’. Well, I thought to myself….here I am….I have been ‘doing my work’ and yet, I am still being cruel to myself. Often, negating myself and being in a negative spiral of critical self-talk without even realising.
A few short years later, here I am again, writing, reflecting and realising that still I slip into this toxic pattern. Oh my, the stories we tell ourselves, the things we do that self-sabotage ourselves.
How do YOU ‘self-care’?
Salt baths, with essential oils and candles?
Nice dinner and glass of wine?
Have a pedicure?
Go on holiday?
Spend time in nature?
Spend time with beloveds/friends/yourself?
I could continue; I have many more, I am after all a double Taurus and ‘self-care’ comes as second nature it’s in my genetic makeup….
Nope, I argue the fundamental thing that is THE most important ‘self-care’ tool…. …THINK GOOD THOUGHTS about yourself. YES! BE NICE TO YOURSELF…be kind, be gentle, be loving, be compassionate, get off your own back. I don’t mean forget everything and everyone else and spiritually bypass the responsibility of your own healing by pretending nothing else matters and thinking ‘only good things’. No I mean. Be AWARE deeply aware of your internal dialogue with yourself. To notice when something gets triggered and when we go into an old pattern of story and stopping. Taking a breath and saying, I see you, I hear you, I’ve got you.
Being kinder to myself has been the greatest gift I have given myself. I repeat: Being kinder to myself has been the greatest gift I have given myself.
It hasn’t been so long that this has been a practise as this one ‘small’ thing is indeed one of the hardest. I say ‘practise’ as it is exactly that a practise. There are not many of us that I am aware of lucky enough to bring this in as a natural state of being. It has often taken some hard life knocks and realisations for us to get there. To realise something in our way of ‘being or doing, comparing to others, self and other expectations’ just isn’t working and we have to create a change. This was my experience. You may indeed be different and to this I honour your journey and celebrate your knowledge of this.
To practise self-kindness calls us to make different choices, step out of the box, to cease running the self-limiting stories that have created us and keep us locked in the toxic patterns. The reverse is quite spectacular, it means we give ourselves PERMISSION.
We come to a place of acceptance within ourselves and thus give ourselves permission. Permitting ourselves freedom, grace, play, love and connection. To practise self-care and self-kindness It liberates us from feeling we need to prove anything to anyone or DO anything. It stops the judgement of others and of ourselves. For its true we could be practising all the ‘self-care’ in the world, yet if we are still telling ourselves we are this that or the other, we are judging ourselves, in turn judging others and actually not practicing ‘self-care’ at all!
It accepts the individual, the human-being that we are.
Being kinder to myself, has indeed been the greatest gift to myself. It lets me off the hook. Not in the way that I don’t’ care or won’t continue to be the best version of myself (this too is a practise), no it means I give myself permission to get it wrong, to stop, take a breath, realise my error, where I have been operating from a place of woundedness or fear and start again. It means that I get to grow without penalising myself all the time. Well, I still can do this but then, in my defence I have had over 40 years’ experience so it’s a tricky one to simply stop without practise, recognition, choice and strengthening the part of myself that is ‘acting out’.
Yes, I give myself a ‘reset button’. An Ah Hah moment, a moment of recognition and then choice. A choice to make a different decision, to think a different thought, to pick up the phone and ask for some support in order to see things a different way. To step away from the ‘story’ and into the ‘now’ the nothing and no-thing. To be with the discomfort of the unknown, the ‘meantime or void’.
The unknown terrifies most of us who like to control in order to feel safe. It is a place of such fear and resistance that we can look to question deeply our choices that have led us here. To go into blame, self-loathing and criticism as it is known and easy, actually it’s actually the most painful place to be as we hurt ourselves.
This time is a crucial time. It is the edge and this edge, this ‘rub’, this muscle to be worked requires some skill and time. It requires the discipline to make a different choice and select a different path. It takes courage and consciousness. It takes us to take a lead of faith…..a leap of faith in ourselves.
It’s within this place of faith in ourselves, we begin to see to KNOW that there is actually nothing wrong with us at all. We begin to learn and KNOW that the person we thought had left us, we didn’t really want anyway, or if we did and the relationship ended was it actually the ‘RIGHT’ relationship for me or had we outgrown each other?
We get to know, trust and believe in ourselves, our value and our beauty, we get to see our integrity and service in the world, how we make a difference and who we touch. We begin to let in the love, LET IN LIFE, unlike any time before..
Yes, beloveds, we get to know. To truly know who we are and that we are worthy of living a life full. We get to hang up the stories and create new memories. Though the kindness and grace we bestow upon ourselves we learn how to truly ‘have our own back’, to self-care on the deepest level that nourishes us to our soul not just toenails…
This my friend is the time that we get to truly live….and believe you me it is a gift, just as you are a gift.
There is something about birthdays….the day you entered this world…however many years ago….the day your mother underwent her own rite of passage to birth you into this place we get to call ‘home’. Through the conduit from where we came, the portal to life and the sacred union that created us.
Whatever our ‘story’ about our parents, our conception – without this ‘sacred union’, for, YES, it was sacred for from it came the miracle that YOU are in the world. Without it there would be no you, in this time and place and the exact glorious imperfectly perfect human you are. We enter the world through the portal of our mother then after a certain age…what we then choose to do with our stories and lives is indeed our choice.
We all have things that have happened, ancestral wounds we carry, our own traumas and pains. Yet, when we settle into the bare bones of who we are, how we are being, (yes, influenced by our past), yet, still with one foot with the possibility of changing patterns and behaviours we do indeed have CHOICE.
One of my ‘primal wounds’ is REJECTION…yup, this ‘little’ story that can hinder many of us. How many of you relate to this ‘beauty’?
However, this morning on my ‘birthday’ I awake with a song that played from a moment shared with a previous lover (one, yes, I am struggling to release…unrequited love…it’s a bitch….keeps us stuck in those old patterns and stories of rejection and ‘what’s wrong with me? I’m not good enough’)….I digress. This song bought me to floods of tears as I lay in my empty bed, another year single, alone, longing. Yet, unlike previous years where I have berated often my very existence on this planet, these were tears of deep realisation that it was time to finally let this pattern and story go.
It is time. I am tired of it. We have to reach a point of being so tired of the story and pattern we really mean it…like REALLY mean it.
It goes a bit like this, where there is an element of blame towards those that have rejected me, fundamentally each day I reject myself…, read that again…I reject myself….consciously or unconsciously….my belly is too big, I’m too old, not successful enough…blah blah yes some of you know my insecurities and the stories I play out, as I write about them, I take them to therapy, I take them into my dance….they are a part of me and sometimes still yes, they get the better of me, until I realise and I again scoop them up and love them back to health.
It is this self-rejection on so many levels, the deeply nuanced or maybe you are still flogging yourself with a cat and 9-tails or stick (no…this isn’t an S&M fetish of mine) this is about self-flagellation on a level that is so deeply painful we don’t realise we are doing it until….well…until we do…or it is pointed out….or we actually cause ourselves actual physical pain..
It’s the moment of these wobbles, these times when life throws us a curve ball ….or pandemic we get to really do and BE the work. We get to practise that which we have read, spoken about and are learning all the even deeper levels of. For me, until we KNOW it on a visceral level, until it is embodied and known becomes body knowledge, I argue, we don’t actually know…
For me these things are not a cognitive process. We can ‘think’ we understand’ but still there is a linear approach. Whilst, yes, sometimes this is vital for our survival strategies, we do not want to continue to live in survival mode,,…that fight/flight/freeze is exhausting and very unhealthy. Unhealthy in our bodies, we become toxic with unexpressed emotions…sick…in our health and mind….unhealthy in our relationships. We continue to play out the patterns of abandonment, rejection, unfaithfulness, co-dependence….you get my drift? Does this sound familiar?
Something a gifted astrologer I know Karen Smith (Gnostic Woman) wrote yesterday, shook be back into the reality of myself and life, the big picture from this place of sadness about the ex-lover and a friend who chooses no longer to speak to me, and I still have no idea why!
Karen writes: ‘Stop loving people that cannot love you back- stop giving your power, time and energy to a person, persons, or situation that cannot or will not love you back.
Stop being angry that they cannot love you. If they could love you or wanted to love you, they would be loving you. If they are not loving you, or if they are loving you in ways that make you feel unloved, diminished, unseen, abandoned or betrayed, it’s not enough.
Why persist in hurting yourself? Why persist in being unmet?
The work begins within. Why are you available for unavailable people and not for yourself?
Where there is drama, there is trauma… heal the trauma.
Do not entangle yourself in this madness any further. Release yourself and let the healing begin’. You can follow her incredible blog and astro updates here https://gnosticwoman.com/
This reflects deeply for me what many of us as humans do. We chase, long for and pine for the unavailable, those that feed that deep ‘REJECTION’ story we hold. This is ‘Trauma Bonding’.
I was reflecting with a beloved friend about this and wondering to myself whether we move away and leave those that rub at that wound or whether we stick with it wound and all and learn to heal this part of ourselves. For it is through the exposure, understanding and loving of it we heal, not the shunning and running, yet sometimes this part is necessary until we are strong enough to face it. I am not quite clear on the answer to this yet, I guess it depends on the person, situation, depth of wound and a myriad of other scenarios.
Yet, I do know this:
I as an individual am brave enough to ‘show’ up warts and all with all that I am feeling and face that part and welcome it home. It’s a practise!
I am willing to be brave in the face of possible ‘rejection’ and begin to look at situations and people with a ‘different lens’.
I know finally I will no longer tolerate being a ‘scratching post’ for someone as I want more.
I will no longer chase after or give time or energy to that which I cannot change, this again is a pattern that feeds that rejection.
There are so many fragmented parts of our psyche and soul that are wounded through traumas, it is, for me, our responsibility to find a way to integrate ourselves. We cannot always control the external that create the trauma and some is ancestral or cultural or both, however, we can take control of the journey to assist the healing, we owe that to ourselves, to our beloveds.
Whilst we are never everyone’s flavour and some will not warm to us, others will turn to us with open arms and hearts and embrace all of us. These are the ones worth our time and attention.
Yes beloved, it is time for us all to know our worth deeply. It’s a journey, it has taken me years and still I forget, some of us hold on to this story so tightly afraid even more of the possibility of being loved for all we are and then the possibility of loss that we navigate through life in half measures, in unhappy relationships and unfulfilling jobs.
These times are challenging times, yet they are also times of deep inner transformation if we allow it. IF we are brave enough and generous enough to ourselves, to listen to our souls voice and ask ‘What is the impossible that only you can make possible?’ for this we have to stop rejecting ourselves and learn that even if we are alone, we are loved, deeply, fully and honestly….trust me in this truth….YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Stop rejecting yourself and the world will embrace you back. Trust me….in this I know.
With much love to you on this journey of life as we embrace these times and ourselves…In grace, Sarah
There is so much ‘stuff’ going on and around right now.
‘Should be this’ ‘should be that’ Dress in this..do this work out…that work out….‘vaccinate this’ ‘fight that’. Who and what do we believe and trust? So much deceit.
So many ‘positive affirmations….which actually make us feel worse than before….I’m conscious about not putting these out there so much as they often make me want to swear loudly at the screen and the individual as I’m not getting it all ‘right’.
There is also much NOT being said. As many of you know I like stuff to be real.
So I ask…
What’s REALLY alive for you right now?
For me, Today has been a varied day. A day of laughter yoga which was a blessing. Sobbing into my tea feeling deeply alone whilst watching Pride and Prejudice and wondering if I’ll ever actually meet anyone who will love me and me them. Oohhhh Mr Darcy how I covert thee.
A Family Constellation session that was tricky and healing.
I’ve given away a traumatised cat and am again alone. As I knew I wasn’t the new mama for her bless her. She needed somewhere more peaceful.
I’ve begun stripping my living room to paint the walls. Covering and removing the remanence of my past beloved.
I’ve mourned the loss of an unrequited love that I’m struggling to shift.
I’ve danced, a Dance which was joyous and very playful and a blissful, funny and inspiring start to the day.
I’ve worked out like mad to sweat and cry. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve felt so very lonely and alone. I’ve felt joy and such numbness I could have stuck pins in myself and not felt it. I’ve felt loathing and peace. I had a cider to numb some of the pain and resisted bingeing on carbs.
I’ve had sweet messages and jokes from beloved friends.
Such a mixed bag.
Something to perhaps remember…..
Above all we are human in a time of such ‘unknown’ it’s ok to play out. To honour all parts of us to have a voice. To throw tantrums to have Gin at 4pm if that helps in moderation, to laugh, to cry, to make love and to sit in your bed hugging yourself cause you feel so deeply alone. These are human things to do.
These are not necessarily times to be living our ‘best life’ or actually writing the next best seller they are for me times of getting in touch with me. With what matters. Who matters.
Please remember. There is no ‘right’ there is no ‘wrong’ we are all learning to navigate through this one step at a time al learning to be even more human humbled and strengthened in each breath and step.
Remember always though regardless of what is actually going on. Someone somewhere loves you, values you and cares.
Please know this will pass. There will be love, connection and holding once more.
These are my prayers. I have faith in this amongst the messiness of being human….. just a reminder to be true to what’s alive whilst not getting lost in it allowing it to flow.
How can you move forward when you are encumbered by the weight of the past you are carrying with you?
It is often painful to realise and release.
Sometimes there is relief. There can never be growth without space. Think of the seedlings all packed in together vying for space to develop deep roots and grow. You take them and separate them out. Some survive some….do not.
Just as it is with friendships, relationships, dreams.
Some are given space. They flourish. They grow and bloom. Some even bear fruit. Others simply melt away into nothing.
We have to be selective. Out time and resources finite. Sometimes the selection is taken from us. This hurts as we have no ‘control’. This is where we are called to distinguish between us as spiritual, soulful, heartfelt beings. And us as ego personality driven beings. Here our ‘primal wounds’ play out.
Here is where for me the work is.
The release. The surrender. The ‘control’ of what is. The allowing. I can never control anyone else. I can only be with myself and what ‘feels’ right for me. What meets my core values and beliefs.
Self parenting. The taking of my wounded parts and loving them home. Allowing them space to throw the tantrum to ‘get it all out’ then to take them into my arms and heart and speak on soothing tones. Just as a mother would.
Whispering….. *you are loved precious one *you are wanted *you are safe *you are home *I love you
Be gentle with yourself precious ones. These are changing times. Things are shifting and moving within and without.
Be gentle. Be kind as you realise and release. Creating space for the growth in order to shine ever brighter.