It’s ‘that’ day this week….yup that one where companies make lots of money out of something that is our birthright. That of love. That day we are ‘meant’ to show how we feel yet isn’t every day a day to express how we feel about another? How another touches us? How we appreciate and value them?
I wrote the below when someone asked me about love…I just refound it it’s a work in progress a prayer…. life is short. Take the time to tell those that matter to you how much you care and love them…who knows perhaps tmw there will no longer be the opportunity. 💕
To love in the way I’d like to be loved means for me to open myself up totally to potential and eventual loss.
To allow the other the liberty and freedom that both truly need to have a healthy relationship.
It means being vulnerable. No masks and to really show up. To risk being abandoned and rejected without making it mean anything.
It means having to release control. To allow someone in. To communicate my needs, respect theirs and to meet.
I’ve always avoided confrontation. It means being with confrontation.
It means intimacy and connection into my body and soul.
It means considering another and relinquishing being selfish.
It means the balance of my masculine and feminine and allowing myself to be held longer than feels comfortable.
It means being strong in order to not go into my codependent ways. To not fight myself and push them away for fear of being hurt.
For going back and not walking away and giving up so soon when there is a disagreement. For speaking my truth so I don’t walk away because I haven’t been brave enough to. For no longer thinking ‘there must be something/someone better’
For being ok with the good and the ‘narly’ bits. For unconditional acceptable but knowing my values and boundaries.
For being ok with the unknown.
For being ok with commitment
For making that choice in each moment. Again and again.
This week has highlighted some deep wounds for me. Those of my co-dependency, my attachment styles in relationships.
It seems that I’m ‘ready’ for the next layer of the healing to reveal the primal wound of my insecurity in relationships.
Yep! I’m human….we all are. We all have different attachment styles in relationships and it takes us to dive deep into the psyche to reveal these shadowy aspects of our insecurity to bring them into love, harmony and acceptance.
Is it easy? Hell no! It’s painful like pouring salt on an open wound. Yet, I’ve noticed when I sit with myself and these painful parts the compassion and kindness towards myself comes quicker. Easing the fear and the lack of self acceptance. Some straight talking and deep listening from some dear beloved friends also helps! You know who you are 💕 and I’m ever grateful.
To do this work alone is lonely. Yet. It is the fear of being alone that often keeps us stuck in the patterns of being with avoidant partners. Our need to look after, to control so we feel safe. This work starts with us. It is for us to begin to know how to feel safe in ourselves. This doesn’t mean not asking for our needs to be met. It is not anyone else’s responsibility. It’s ours. It’s through this self responsibility with some help from our friends, therapist, community that we lean into ourselves more deeply and learn to become the sovereign beings we are here to be.
With you in grace as we journey towards harmony and full self acceptance. Sarah
Contemplating life is not the same as LIVING LIFE. Why do you continue to fool yourself that you are living when in fact you are tiptoeing the on the outside of your life?
So many of us live in the periphery of our lives, eluding ourselves that we are engaged. We numb ourselves through addiction, the fear of judgement holds us rigid in the confines we place ourselves.
The fear of looking or sounding foolish. Fear of ‘getting it wrong’. Yet, how can there be any ‘wrong’ when you, yourself make the rules for your own life?
The Judgements imposed cause us to fear ‘wrong doing’, yet, we learn as we explore. We have the opportunity to begin in each moment. To make a choice. Each choice can be trial and error. Some ‘work’ some less so. However, each is a growth and learning point. There is no failure, simply information gathering. Yet, why do so many of us feel ‘ we have failed’?
How can we fail when are unsure of the outcome?
We can imagine, dream and wonder, yet we cannot ‘KNOW’. We cannot know unless we are following the exact steps of another that has gone before. In some cases, yes, this is a necessity, yet NOTHING will ever be the ‘exact’ same, a pure replication as much as we may desire this.
No, for you, YES YOU….beautiful being that you are, you hold your own unique flavour, energy and intention. Your whole blueprint is unique. You are unique. So nothing and NO-THING will ever be an exact replica when you place your unique self into the equation.
So why is it we often ignore these facts and focus on the other? Why is it we fear often to fully engage with our own lives, our own selves, all too often comparing and looking outside of ourselves?
Yes, we dance around the edges for fear of falling into our own lives.
What will I miss out on by not ‘following the rules’?What ARE you missing out on by ‘following the rules’? The rules imposed by others and adopted as our own.
To step in and engage and dance with the totality of ourselves requires a brave heart, a step into the unknown, to trust the mystery and to dance a little on the ‘wild side.
The mystery is without doctrine. It asks us to have faith and trust ourselves. This is the risk. To dance on the wild side is also to take risk.
Many women I know and have met speak of wanting to know the ‘wild side…the wild woman’ within her…..yet for me I know this involves risk:
Risk to my heart
To the status quo
It involves change not only to myself but everything around me
Wildness to me means embracing the primal aspect of myself, the Primal Woman, this means embracing the INNOCENCE of Primal Woman.
Primal Woman…the one that came before all others. The one so deeply connected to the elements and elementals. You remember her?
She with the wild heart, wild eyes and hair
She so comfortable in her sensual animal body
She that dances her dance of truth
She that sees into, through and beyond the veils of illusion
She who dares to dance in the fullness of life, love and the unknown
She who knows that everything is fluid, changeable, that nothing stays the same
She who knows that NO -THING is to be controlled for to control kills the essence of what is, what can be for it to be fully alive
She knows the magnitude of the beauty and power of all that she is…..all she is not…
Wild Woman, Primal Woman is of the earth, she is of the stars. She reflects the waters that she is…she laps gently and rages fiercely. She takes no prisoners, nor does she have ‘expectation’. Primal Woman, the wild within and without, dances in the fullness of herself, with herself. She cares not if others wish to dance with her. She meets and she is open to being met….deeply….fully….honestly and authentically.
This wild nature is the pure essence of life. It is libidic, the creative fullness of life itself. This energy knows containment and constraint invited only by her own body, breath and WILL. Primal woman longs not for things, for she is full….yet, at the same time she lies empty, open – pulsing with life.
She is the life force of raw, innocence, potency, grace and the perfect imperfection of herself.
She is you and you are her. She is waiting and wanting dear one for you. For that moment of full faith, trust. For your brave heart and the curiosity to overcome the crippling fear you are so limited by, addicted to.
Primal Woman is inviting you to take that fear, welcome it and dance with it in this huge, beautiful, beauty-filled and intoxicating thing called Life…
This is a recent account from a client after some EMDR work. It never ceases to amaze me just how transformative it is. To book sessions in person or via Skype contact me through email@example.com
Living with the effects of trauma was just ordinary life for me, feeling like something was wrong and being in constant pain was normal.
It is almost 20 years since my life was first changed by trauma and I am still on my journey of healing.
One of the first sessions of EMDR therapy with Sarah changed my perception on just how much these past traumas had not only effected my mental health but my physical body too.
I was living in constant fear, fight or flight response and this was just how I coped through life. Fighting and acting out when things got difficult and running away when I started to hurt – protecting myself.
During the EMDR sessions lots of emotion and feelings come up which are surprisingly manageable with Sarah’s soft caring nature and gentle encouragement.
One of our sessions was all about the force trauma I went through as a teenager that caused my body to go through life in a heightened stress response which meant any type of stress I encountered my brain reacted in the same way as the trauma tensing up my muscles causing my bones to curve in my neck and tilt in my hip.
After this session Sarah advised me to take it easy with myself for the next few days and that she was available for support if needed. After three days I began to notice my muscles relax, my shoulders dropped and the constant tense feeling had gone. The flight or fight response had also disappeared and I felt more connected to myself more than ever. I was able to think about my trauma and have no fear or tense feeling run through me. This is a massive transformation from taking one day at a time not knowing how to plan ahead to now living in a more able and relaxed mental/physical state.
I also had EMDR therapy for a pain that I have lived with since I can remember in my head, this pain would intensify with stress causing headaches and migraines. The start of the session I was in distress crying and in pain. I had to be brave to keep going and again with Sarah’s tender coaching I got through. I could feel the change during the session with it ending with my smiling and feeling a sense of relief.
After a few days again, this pain had gone and I am now living without having this lingering dull pain just like a time bomb waiting to intensify. I highly recommend EMDR with Sarah to anyone living with the long lasting effects of trauma and pain as the change is phenomenal! I am forever grateful to have been able to receive this therapy.
The shadow is the place where we put all that we deny, reject, dislike, abandon, forget and fear.
The shadow gains power when we compare ourselves to others, speak in a cutting hurtful tongue to ourselves or another, when we act from wounding and When we shove everything we ‘don’t want to see’ under the very deep dark toxic rug.
The shadow is often a defence mechanism coming out with savage actions and results when we feel vulnerable, afraid, alone, lost… its the thing that fights, isolates ourselves and pushes everyone and everything away. It is the addict. The one that seeks to ‘pleasure’ oneself through the numbing. If what is actually happening.
Debbie Ford wrote of the light chasers that deny these aspects of self now more known as ‘spiritual bypassing’ the denial of the shadow actually serves to do the reverse of what we ‘hope’. When we deny these aspects of ourself they act out In the most damaging of ways. The toxicity seeps through tarnishing all we care about, it sabotages our work, relationships and lives. It keeps us alone, angry, afraid and small.
The shadow when we embrace it offers liberation. It is where our power resides. It’s where the gold lies and it’s where we become whole. We cease to compare ourselves or be afraid of ourselves or others as we know our capabilities.
It takes a brave being to dance with and own our shadow.
How many of us have failed friendships? I am in the process of writing some thoughts about this and a friend sent me this – it makes sense…grab a cuppa and take a read if you feel you are always to blame…
Traumatic Bonding; One of the Reasons so Many Friendships Fall Apart.
I was talking to a friend today when I heard words I used only a few years ago.
“I just don’t get it. It seems like I’m the one who invests the most in these friendships and no one else seems to care so I have to pull away but then I wonder, is this me? Am I the one fucking it all up?”
In my case, I was “fucking” up certain friendships due to codependency and that codependency was based on traumatic bonding.
When we got down to it trauma was the difficulty in my friend’s relationships too and I’ve seen it with many clients.
Trauma causes a different sort of bonding.
There are various levels of friendships. We have our social friends, people you grab a meal with, have over game night, enjoy talking and swapping stories.
These may not be the same friends you tell your darkest secrets to. Over the course of a few years bits and pieces may leak here or there but for the most part your relationship is based on the interactions you create and general knowledge of each other.
I used to hate relationships like these. I thought they were shallow and fake.
I wanted the ride or die friendships. People who knew me at the core.
I wanted deep bonding but the only way I knew how to get it was through sharing trauma stories. Exposing the most painful parts of myself and seeing who stuck around.
As a former smoker, I was the one on the back deck swapping stories and making friends I thought would last a lifetime.
Nothing bonds you faster than a buzz, a cigarette, and stories of abuse and attempted suicide.
It was a game of show and tell. We’d compare scars. I’d show my pain, they’d show theirs, no one ran away and so everyone felt accepted.
From that foundation of acceptance, we could then share our oddball visions of the world
Trauma causes us to adapt.
It can make you catatonic or hypervigilant, it can cause you to notice things no one else sees. For some people it shuts them down, others, it breaks them open. For many of us, it’s a cycle and each time we clam up or break open we see a different piece of the puzzle.
This makes for unique points of view, insight, and lopsided maturity. It often times leads a callous honesty that‘s hard to find elsewhere.
I felt more connected with the traumatized than anyone else.
In the end, though we were bonding over our wound and those wounds have side effects beyond a unique perspective.
Traumatic bonding vs. depth bonding.
Bonding on a deep level is good for us. We might not do it with everyone but it’s a healthy experience to know that you’re accepted and supported at your most vulnerable times.
It’s also important to the narratives that play through our minds. What if everything goes to shit? “Well, I’ve got Kait and Kelsey.”
In healthy deep bonding we know we’re accepted, supported, understood. This means we can focus on a range of relationships, deep ones, casual ones, romantic ones, the relationship with ourselves.
This level of networking and self-work creates a sensation of personal security, competence, and self-worth.
When we experience trauma, especially at a young age, we’re focused on survival. We’re not taking an inventory of positive traits. We might feel incompetent or believe the trauma itself is a testament to our lack of worth.
The brain itself becomes wired to look for danger, for all the things that can go wrong.
The brain sees potential catastrophe and longs for safety.
Since our experience is of pain and a lack of positive states (joy, security, self-acceptance) we look for these things externally or we stop looking for them all together.
On top of searching in all the wrong places for security and self-worth, our models of relationships are often skewed by our trauma.
Even if someone else could help fulfill these needs within we’re not the best at choosing people nor do we know what to expect from a healthy friendship.
For me, I was looking for a family. I desperately wanted to feel accepted and stable. The trauma turned this need into an obsession.
I felt my stability, security, worth, and acceptance would come from an external relationship.
This belief simply wasn’t healthy but as much as I look at it now and think “how did I ever believe someone else could prove my worth, could be my stability?” I was convinced of it at the time.
I didn’t believe I had worth or the ability to be stable. If it wasn’t in me it must be outside.
I didn’t know what else to do but to seek these things from others. Others who happened to be traumatized themselves.
People with their own triggers. Their own desperate needs whether conscious or unconscious, sought externally or forgotten.
Some of the people I bonded with were desperate for recognition, some remained aloof, reserved, forgot how or consciously avoided creating deep bonds.
This was their way of trying to survive, trying not to be hurt again.
With booze and cigarettes these friends could open up but their survival mechanisms kicked in with sobriety.
The friendships that hurt the most were the ones where we used different coping mechanism.
I wanted to reach out, to have someone else there. They wanted to withdraw, to be alone, to recuperate.
We each had different expectations.
Me holding off on a text or spacing out times to hang out was a miraculous victory. I desperately wanted to be whole and I thought these others were my answer. I wanted to be around them all the time.
They, however, thought it was a herculean feat to hang out with anybody once a week much less responds to a text within a few days.
Needless to say there was tension and to make things more difficult my desire for stability made me think their reserved nature was emotional mastery. My need for acceptance saw in their aloofness the discernment that would guarantee I have value if they would just declare it.
The brain can jump to a host of wrong conclusions and stake our lives on them.
Healthy relationships know their boundaries. They are formed between people who have done their own self-care.
No one is perfect but a healthy relationship acknowledges this and accepts it. It recognizes when someone’s having a bad day; that people have different perspectives and needs.
In a healthy relationship, both sides recognize their hurdles and own them. If someones having a bad day a healthy friend gives them space and doesn’t hold it against them.
At the same time, the person having the bad day manages it, works to make sure it’s not a perpetual experience, and owns it, lets their friend now “sorry, it wasn’t you. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”
In relationships built around traumatic bonding there is often a lack of understanding about balance, boundaries, and the ways we cope.
We may not have seen healthy examples of these.
Sometimes we’re so wrapped up in our own experience of trauma we don’t recognize how its affecting others. When you have two trauma blind people there’s a lot of room for misunderstanding.
Healthy relationships can only occur when people are self-reflective enough to understand where they’re at and communicate this to another person while hearing where the other person is at.
That’s a hard thing to do and it takes work.
What I did to change.
First I accidentally detonated my traumatically bonded relationships.
It took a long time. I was incredibly wrapped up in the bonding.
I thought a particular person was the only one who could bring me back if I went manic again or got too depressed.
I invested all my energy into the friendship.
Eventually, it blew up in my face. I knew this was my Achilles heel the drain on all my energy and the thing holding me back. Not the relationship itself, but rather the obsession with it.
I spent years working trying to work on the obsession and I learned a lot about myself in the process.
In the end, I wrote an exorcism for my obsession at the same time my obsession crossed the final line and my friendship dissolved.
Since then I make note of when my mind and body is trying to bond with someone because I hear the same story of pain and trauma in them.
I don’t avoid these people but I stay mindful of what is occurring inside. My brain is trying to find a pack to run with but I have a pack now.
I have plenty of friends for dinners and brunches, game nights, and hiking trips and I relish these times. I’m no longer desperate for acceptance, stability, worth. I’ve worked on these things.
So I meet people where they’re at. I have quite a few friends who are self-aware and have plenty of social skills. We easily make plans to get brunch and we both know the other person is going to show up.
It’s functional. Some of them know my history, others don’t and that’s ok. I have a good time with them and I enjoy their company.
For the friends I deeply bonded to who are still dealing with their traumas I’ve learned to make space.
One of my best friends disappears for months at a time. Then out of the blue he’s calling every other day to talk for a few hours.
It’s what he does, how he functions. He’s aware of it, apologizes for the silence but hasn’t figured out yet how to do things differently and that’s ok.
It took me decades to figure out how to do things differently. How to go from seeking approval of others to approving of myself and simply being with others.
When my friend calls I talk because he puts a smile on my face. If I’m busy I let him know and when he vanishes I know he’ll come back and work to remember that this isn’t about me.
When I’m able to recognize it has nothing to do with me and I don’t exert all of my energy to try to “help” or make things different then I’m able to hold space for people as they are.
This frees up my energy for self-care and for the friends who do respond consistently. I can maintain these friendships which nurture me and in so doing I have the energy to be there for the friends still figuring themselves out.
What about you?
How do you bond with people? What are you seeking from your interactions? How do you direct your energy in your relationships?
It is pretty much agreed that we live in an age of ‘instant gratification’. We can press a button and have something delivered the next day. We can shop on the high-street and find most things that we ‘need’. We can swipe left or right and get an instant ‘hook up’ for sex. We can buy, barter, make, steal, find most things. Yet, I wonder how much brings real deep satisfaction. All these ‘things’, this ‘stuff’, for me simply fills a hole or holes.
Holes, in my heart, my life that I feel I have. An illusion I am not ‘WHOLE’. Holes that require filling. I have a glorious apartment filled with ‘stuff’, I have visited beautiful places have delicious memories of passion filled encounters, devoured, relished and over indulged on incredible food, wine and other sensual pleasures. I run projects, I do much in my community and have a great capacity to see the big picture and create much for many. YET, there are a few things that I know I deeply, deeply desire.
These things cannot be ‘bought’ or bartered. Well, maybe we can for a short time have ‘connection’ through the genius of technology, through sex, through buying something, drinking or eating or smoking something, through a quick meeting with a friend a stranger, but that soul to soul, face to face conversation that fills the heart, soul and mind with a sense of belonging, understanding, playfulness, curiosity, love and deep nourishment. No, this is something that takes time. It takes effort, it takes a commitment to want to actually develop a ‘relationship’ of some form with an individual, group, a place in nature. It takes a humbleness and bravery, an honesty and transparency that leaves us potentially feeling vulnerable, exposed and at risk of ‘loss’. It requires time spent listening. Listening deeply. A listening that when you have been in the presence of it you realise what you have been missing all your life.
A listening that is so visceral, so present, so curious, alive and honest that you want to initially run a million miles away and hide – hide beneath the nearest piece of rock, to close the door and dim the light. A listening that sees you, hears you and accepts you.
It breaks you open; it hits your heart in a way that leaves you gasping for breath in the aliveness and sacredness that comes with it. The presence of someone listening to this level to witnessing you is a gift. One of the greatest and most humbling gifts I have ever received.
This type of listening – opens up the capacity to be truly seen. My golly, in me it evokes a story perhaps of ‘what will they truly see’, it isn’t safe. I question ‘how can I hide the parts of myself that I endeavour to hide from the world, perhaps more importantly hide from myself’? I remember my ex-partner who I loved and respected deeply giving me a homeopathic remedy ‘Calc Carb’ and I literally through a tantrum 10 minutes later. No seeming reason why when we were talking about ‘what to do with work’. An actual tantrum in our lounge where I stated quite aggressively, meaning it in every cell of my being. ‘I’d rather be dead than seen’. The thought of being truly present in life, to others, (which was crazy as my ex-partner is very psychic and able to read all of me and see things in myself and of myself I couldn’t, that I was blind to due to trauma, wounds and personal stories and self-limitation) was indeed so deeply painful I couldn’t bear the thought of it. Yes, for later writings there is the influence of ancestral and past life trauma about being persecuted but we are here now, in this lifetime and it is a time of calling for us all to stand up and be seen. As painful as that maybe. So, I continue….
The idea of being visible for people to see me and my ‘shadow’, the parts of me that life to hide away, to pretend they were not there was horrifying. Mostly, because I didn’t realise what I was hiding. On reflection I realise it was a terror of being present fully in myself and my life and therefore being present to them and our connection. We could of course think of Marianne Williamson’s famous poem ‘it isn’t our darkness; it is our light which we are afraid of’ which I agree with. Yet, there for me really has been this deep fear of my shadow being illuminated so visibly, more on this another time.
There is a beauty and illumination that comes from this awareness of self. Of listening to ourselves, of being curious about ourselves, not in a narcissistic way (and yes, we ALL have an element of this) but in a way that listens to ourselves, listens deeply to the wounded parts that are vying for attention and acting out, sabotaging things in our lives, relationships, listens, knows and respects our core values in life and lives by them.
Yet, how do we do this? How do we navigate our way through the stories, the actual physical pain of waking up to ourselves, our wounds, our lives? How do we begin to really ‘show up’? It takes a desire and a calling, a strong willing heart to do the work. It is so easy to numb out to settle, to avoid. In my life it has been and continues to be deeply painful to fully awaken – in my case anyway.
Some may have illuminating experiences through changing their thought patterns, and if honest, I wish I could do this. I wish I could simply be happy with saying a mantra to myself and therefore numbing my body. I am not able to do this – my body, my vehicle, my home in this life calls, screams to me too much, it holds the stories and patterns. It invites, it demands, that I listen. For me the journey to WHOLENESS to fill the ‘illusion’ of HOLES in my life is a combination, of body awareness, self-care, thoughts and connection.
As I navigate more fully HOME to myself to WHOLENESS, I continue to ask how can I be more compassionate to myself? How can I parent those parts of me that are wounded, in pain and wanting to hide? What are the gifts that they bring to me right now? What do they need in order to feel safe?
As I navigate my journey, I invite you to take a curious and gentle, a tentative look at where you are filling HOLES, because you want to be WHOLE…
Right now there are Tibetan Buddhist monks in a temple in the Himalayas endlessly reciting mantras for the cessation of your suffering and for the flourishing of your happiness.
Someone you haven’t met yet is already dreaming of adoring you.
Someone is writing a book that you will read in the next two years that will change how you look at life.
Nuns in the Alps are in endless vigil, praying for the Holy Spirit to alight the hearts of all of God’s children.
A farmer is looking at his organic crops and whispering, “nourish them.”
Someone wants to kiss you, to hold you, to make tea for you.
Someone is willing to lend you money, wants to know what your favorite food is, and treat you to a movie.
Someone in your orbit has something immensely valuable to give you — for free.
Something is being invented this year that will change how your generation lives, communicates, heals and passes on.
The next great song is being rehearsed.
Thousands of people are in yoga classes right now intentionally sending light out from their heart chakras and wrapping it around the earth.
Millions of children are assuming that everything is amazing and will always be that way.
Someone is in profound pain, and a few months from now, they’ll be thriving like never before. They just can’t see it from where they’re at.
Someone who is craving to be partnered, to be acknowledged, to ARRIVE, will get precisely what they want — and even more. And because that gift will be so fantastical in it’s reach and sweetness, it will quite magically alter their memory of angsty longing and render it all “So worth the wait.”
Someone has recently cracked open their joyous, genuine nature because they did the hard work of hauling years of oppression off of their psyche — this luminous juju is floating in the ether, and is accessible to you.
Someone just this second wished for world peace, in earnest.
Someone is fighting the fight so that you don’t have to.
Some civil servant is making sure that you get your mail, and your garbage is picked up, that the trains are running on time, and that you are generally safe.
Someone is dedicating their days to protecting your civil liberties and clean drinking water.
Someone is regaining their sanity. Someone is coming back from the dead.
Someone is genuinely forgiving the seemingly unforgivable.
Dear one, please know how deeply you and your work are ‘needed’ in this world.
The world that is a blaze with fear, fires and fight. The world that is destroying itself, a humanity that is destroying itself and its home. There is a likening to the split in Atlantis, the division of humanity, light v’s dark, dark v’s light yet with mortals, individuals, less ‘aware’.
The consciousness is shifting, it is becoming a higher level vibrationally, yet it takes work to get there and to STAY there and stay there we must.
It is all to easy to numb out through our chosenx addictions or to lock it all down through fear, wanting to stay small, to keep without change, so that nothing alters so it all remains ‘safe’. Yet, nothing and no-thing is ‘safe’ it is all an illusion and change we must.
Only through the expansion of the Soul do we become whole. Only through the expansion of the Soul do we really begin to live fully in life as we were created.
The impositions of all the nonsense we ‘think’ is real is NOT. It is an illusion. What is real is your breath, your body, your now. Yet, within this there are moments that this too is an illusion. It creates an opportunity for choice, for beginning again in each and every moment.
A choice where to breathe and how. A choice what and how to eat. A choice how to love and live A choice in each moment. How to nourish our bodies, minds and Soul. Can we be mindful with these choices? All our choices?
For without conscious choice and conscious awareness of what we choose we simply stay on the monotonous path to hell, to nothing and no-thing, to the void.
Whilst the void is a pregnant place and place of dismemberment and rebirth like the holy of holies – death and rebirth without conscious awareness within this place we become lost.
The journey is one to experience feeling it all whilst NOT becoming lost. To stay clearly on your path in that moment and consciously allowing it. Yes, it will hurt, yet love hurts and love heals. The same with any feeling. Begin at once to acknowledge yourself, your life, your belonging in this world and begin to allow your medicine to emerge. Slowly, as it begins to flow drop by drop, breath by breath, anoint yourself, your body, your life, your beloveds, this planet.
You have a part to play and that is no longer a passive role. It is time dear woman to slip on the golden slippers and own the worth of you, your work, your place in the world. Dearest one, Sovereign becoming and being in your life start, start now. Step by step, breath by breath. Open your heart, your womb, your legs and mouth to the world, to life itself, to the wholeness of YOU, to your own God. The holy of holies and begin in this moment to breath the breath of life, for all life. First your own.
Woman; be aware of ‘doing’, the doing you are doing is creating a ripple in the wave of your life, moving forward.
The doing is now to become creating through being. The doing; that dart of sword like energy has its place, yes. Yet, you are ‘doing’ a habitual pattern, out of a habitual pattern. Is it working?
We are entering the dream time of winter, the time of ‘doing’ becomes still, it is a time to tend to our deepest soul requirements, to tend our hearts, our wombs, our wounds, our dreams. It is a time to tend, to nourish ourselves. To draw back the threads from our weave of life, to untangle, to mend, to cut, to fall into the mellow murmur of the internal hum and weave.
How lies your inner landscape? Do you know? Rarely, do you truly know the intimacy of your internal landscape, nor do you truly listen, No. your focus is so externalised on the ‘doing’ of life, you cease to BE life, you stop BEING in life.
In this ‘doing’ you are a construct from the old poem and story that was given to you, like a thread bare cloak, full of putrid stains – you took it and made it your own.
It is time to discard this ill-fitting cloak that was a ‘gift’ and to begin to weave a cloak of many colours that fits you, your body alone. Woven from the finest threads of the softest silk and richest colours. Woven with the nectar of your tears, your stories, your dreams, your desires.
This cloak of many colours that fits and moulds your body, your form sways and catches the light so that all those that behold it stop and gasp in wonder at the beauty of the weave, whilst also wondering if it is a dream, for so few things of such beauty in and out are truly given space in this life.
It is time dearest one, weaver of the stories to begin to hum your own song, the tune of your own life, to breathe into the depths of your soul, your life, your BE-ingness.
This cloak of many colours is a lifetimes work and you have this charge to create.
There is nothing ‘doing’ about this task as it is an act of love, of creation, of co-creation with your body, breath, dreams and tears.
This co-creation and creation is the way forward. It is how to move, whilst being here, now.
Allow dear woman, for the cloak to take form in your heart your womb, your inner eye, then with loving fingers begin to create.
The time of ‘doing’ is now one of ‘becoming’.
The old stories and threads to be gifted back to the fire, the old ways, become your ways, yet all are for your picking.
That that which serves in the most co-creative way – NO more obligation, now the co-creation, with heart, womb, love and discernment.
Time to weave the cloak of the womb-an, the Sovereign becoming. For a true Queen wears a cloak of many colours that is the fibre of her BE-ingness. Her connection to this earth, to this brilliant life.
The Sovereign becomes the truth of her tongue, the mistress of her own body. Sharing, undulating, breathing with her WILL no-one and no-thing else can dictate. Those are the old ways – the new ways are here.
It is your choice, dear beloved woman to create your own cloak of many colours. To bring yourself to the threshold of your own path, to begin to know your place and your ‘PLACE’. To hear yourself and share yourself at your WILL once more. You know what it is to be this – for you have walked the path of the High Priestess many times before. Yet, somewhere in the ‘doing’ you became less than.
Bring again this majesty into your heart, your life, your body and know this: You are here. YOU are here. YOU ARE HERE.
These times. These times are YOUR times. Learn to dance the weave of this cloak that fits you, it flows and dances with you. Fully surrender the old cloak…too baggy, too tight…..too heavy….too putrid, too full of other people’s stories and projections and allow yourself the gift of the co-creation of you in ALL the fullness of beauty.
This time is NOW. Yet, take NOT too much time for then again you drop the threads again and become complacent in the ‘doing’ of other.
Be a mistress to your own destiny, a commitment to yourself, it Is through this commitment you are able to thus become a conduit for others. This beauty, taming her ‘beast’ becomes the Queen of her own life, her destiny and thus surrenders the old as she stands naked clothed only in her cloak of many colours woven from the threads of the Fae, passed through the milky way and the deepest parts of the earth. Woven together with the dreams, prayers and knowledge of you and your nectars. Your co-creation.
Weave dear sister, weave, these times are calling, they are now, they are vital. Become the colours of the earth and dance your own path of creation.