Bearing our soul – vulnerability and strength

‘Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.’
– Brené Brown

Reading Linda Kohanov recently reminded me of how important it is to allow ourselves to be truly vulnerable. Her words ‘vulnerability is on the of the most difficult feelings for the human ego to handle.  Letting go of our defences takes humility, awareness and tremendous courage.  Opening the heart to life’s mysteries allows us to experience the beauty behind the pain and keep our hearts open to life’.

Over 7 years ago I remember my first embodied realisation on this journey.  The journey between and with strength and vulnerability.  Many of us grow up with the belief and words ‘be strong, don’t cry, its character-building stuff’.  I wonder especially here in the west where I live the British and our ‘stiff upper lip’ culture creates such armouring through walls of defences where we are encouraged not to cry, not to emote, that to show our tears is a sign of weakness. I so strongly disagree.  Tears are a sacred necktar, a sacred water that aids us to open our hearts.  We long to cry through laughter, yet few of us allow ourselves to truly cry till we laugh. 

Grief and joy.  Two sides to the same coin.

We live in a world of seeking the good and the pleasure, joy chasers, yet when pain comes upon us in the form of loss we shut it out instead becoming angry, dismissive, ‘poisoned arrows’ of pain being thrown both consciously and unconsciously as we ‘defend ourselves form opening ourselves to be truly seen in the magnificent ‘chaos’ that it takes to be fully human, fully alive, fully here.  

Art: Siv Storoy

How many of us feel we are living a ‘half’ life?  Settling for the job, the house, the lover, the life we have through fear of ‘fucking it up’.  Fear of being alone?  Fear of stepping into the unknown?  Fear of the actually asking for our needs to be met, yes someone can decline, yet to actually ask for what we want…..wow…therein lies a concept and beauty that few of us actually give ourselves full permission to do.  What might happen?  Yes, we may get rejected and turned down. BUT, what if, we are met?  What then? Crikey. Yes, vulnerability.  Someone has heard, someone has responded, and someone loves us enough to meet us fully. This can be a rarity.  I know for me I have some people in my life that offer me this, they also offer me the exercise of practising to deal with ‘rejection’ when they cannot or do not want to meet said needs.  Therapists are great for learning these things.  We speak, they listen, they also have great boundaries which means that a negotiation has to ensue to meet your needs, thus practise for the real world. 

Relationships we settle for, we take for granted, we become complacent about.  It takes huge vulnerability to show up fully, it takes snot, tears, heart opening and wrenching honesty to show up in our glory and our pain.  These things make us human.  For me it is what it takes for me to be fully engaged with life. 

I know if I am unable to do this I decline – mental and physical health suffer.  I become distant, depressed, so very questioning of my actual meaning in this life.  This is because my heart is open.  It is open to connection it is open to life and love.  I have such fear around this, and it is a continual practise which often sees me still wanting to hide and people often rejecting me as too much, which I turn around into ‘I’m not enough there is something wrong with me’.  Yet, is there actually anything ‘wrong’ with any of us? I doubt it.  We all have our own journeys, our own wounds, stories and patterns, I feel strongly that it is what we do with these wounds and patterns and how they play out in our lives.

Can we begin to see them as guides, as pathways?  As simply stories and patterns and begin to re-write them?  Holding the parts of ourselves that ‘play out’ in fear and pain to keep us safe when really, we want to run forward and embrace all of life?  

Can we as human beings – see another and accept them as a being walking their own path?   I know I can struggle with this.  I judge myself so why would I not judge another?   This is another of my learnings and growth points. We are all learning.  I know that for me being open to my vulnerability means that I am being authentic to myself, to my life and my path.  I am being courageous and strong by inviting ALL of myself here to dance the dance of life and love….does it hurt?  Hell yes, does it also bring me joy? Hell yes. 

I say bring it – bring it with grace, bring it with passion and bring life to me to dance with, the messy dance of life in all its glory and colours.  May my vulnerable heart grown in its strength as I say yes to more life.

A heart shape in the sand

Birthdays…

For me birthdays are a time of celebration – a true opportunity to celebrate the existence of someone on this planet, a time to rejoice for their presence in my life, in this world, for their gifts that they bring.

Art: Vladamir Klush

I LOVE picking out gifts and cards and sending them packaged with care and love.

Yet, my own?  I struggle. I find myself each year in a pit of despair, sadness and questioning my purpose.  Why am I here? What good to I actually bring to the world? Yes, I know I ‘do’ lots in my community, I bring things to people, yet rarely if ever do I celebrate my own ‘beingness’ in the world. Rarely do I sit and honour myself truly and fully.

I have so much to say on this subject, but it is sensitive and not yet ready so for today, I want to ask how do you celebrate yourself?

How do you breathe in your presence in the world and give a moment to reflect on your accomplishments and all the love in your life, the moments of celebration?

Please know YOU MATTER. 

Please know how much you are loved even if you don’t always feel it.  

Please know that you are worthy of deep connection if that is what you desire.

Please know you are wanted.

Please know that you are worthy.

Please know you are appreciated.

Please know you are here for a reason and that is to BE YOU.

In love and grace; I celebrate you, Sarah 

Can we begin again?

Do you open your heart into a place of self-enquiry because you are moved by what is happening in the world? Does it ignite a spark in you that calls for change?  

Do the ice-caps melting, the animals dying, forests being cut down for fast profit, the selling of our young men and women in to the sex industry, starvation, wars, waters being poisoned, poverty in our home lands and abroad, the brutality towards our children and our old people including beatings and sexual abuse, the pornography exploiting the young, the use and abuse, the litter that covers our earth and our hearts. 

Or are your eyes so closed so focused on the next consumer item, the next social media post where we can live a life of voyeurism and comparison that you don’t actually notice what is happening?  Is your heart so paralysed through fear of feeling that you are shut down to connection, does the fear of intimacy due to personal or intergenerational trauma shut the doorway to your heart, seeing you settle for less than?  For toxic relationships that continue the ‘use and abuse’ cycle? For our addictions to numbing out to fuel our daily lives as we wake, work, sleep and eat, shop, drink, smoke and spend.

Does it take a breakdown? A death? A loss? An illness for you to wake up and see that there is so much more to this thing called LIFE?  That in order to LIVE we need to FEEL.  In order to feel we need to SEE. In order to see we need to open our eyes to ourselves and our world, to each other and see the devastation, the loneliness, the loss and the tragedy that are so abundant and prevalent around us.

Our closed eyes, our inability or fear of feeling ‘because it hurts too much’ is adding to this destruction of our planet, our lives, our communities and relationships.  Our blinkered and closed eyes, for the chasing joy doesn’t help in the planting of trees to assist our planet, it doesn’t’ clean our waters. It is a strong warrior that can stop and open their eyes to what is around and within and with a single breath, a single moment begin the steps it takes to become here. To come into the now. To fully see what we have and are creating and to make a choice to make a difference, to begin one step at a time to change the environmental impact, the impact on our social environment, to be kinder to ourselves and others.  

We live so fast, so numbed out we forget to breathe and take a moment to consider our impact.  YOU MATTER.  I MATTER. WE MATTER.  THIS PLANET MATTERS.

A feeling is a feeling. It is energy in motion – it lasts no more than 90 seconds, (which, yes, can repeat often) if we allow it to flow. It is the holding on, the fear of feeling, fear of being vulnerable which keeps us numb, keeps us small, keeps us stuck. If we allow the flow of our emotions, slowly over time beginning to learn how to work with them, to allow them, to welcome them.  This is what liberates us. This is what opens our eyes, our hearts, our voices and bodies. This is what opens us fully to Life…

Can we begin again?

Loneliness, depression and the lack of connection

Ok – So, after numbing out all day, here I sit at my computer on a glorious March evening where the sun has been shining and reflect on how quickly the year is passing…. Everything in my life right now ‘should’ see me feeling on top of the world and full of potential:


• I completed my Master’s degree

• I start at a new clinic next week

• I volunteer at a local hospice so I am in service

• I run community projects which empower and inspire women in my local community

• I have great friends

• I’m financially viable…well in many respects

• I am intelligent, educated, healthy and have no ‘responsibilities’

• For the first time in my life I KNOW I MATTER and am GOOD PERSON•

My family are supportive

• I have amazing opportunities

• I own my apartment outright (yes, I know I am very fortunate)


YET……


Yes, there is a YET…..I am feeling lonely, tired and very isolated right now…I have just let go of someone I really liked whom I was dating as they would not give me time and I realise that I am worth spending time with.


Whilst some may read this and think ….’what’s she got to moan about she’s not sick, lost a close person, about to loose my home, homeless etc. etc I understand this and can yes, empathise as I have been in ALL those places (and more), I still however, battle with this thing called ‘low self-esteem and depression’.


I had my first ‘proper’ break down at 28, another at circa 30….. I realise I have battled with mental health issues all my life. This is what makes me great at what I do – I GET IT!!! I am not sitting on a freaking throne preaching I know this ‘shit’ I also know how we navigate, how we grow and how we expand from being with it, working with it, welcoming it and growing with it and from it!


From my Kinesiology training years ago I recognise I can manage it through diet, exercise, friends, therapy, homeopathy and nature. Yet, still it comes up and can bite me on my increasingly growing backside! Yes, when I allow my self-sabotage monster to come through and stop me from exercising and being creative my mental health suffers….. I know for myself that it is due to a lack of connection… Connection that in my youth saw me jumping into bed with men to have a sense of ‘feeling wanted’. Of desperately wanting to create events for people to attend so I actually felt I had friends and was connecting!


YET, I realise more and more having just ‘called time’ with someone who I really liked and had opened myself to that actually ‘top level’ communication, lack of presence, in-congruent connection and communication just doesn’t cut it with me anymore… it leaves me feeling ‘dead, depressed, lonely and confused.’


I LONG for connection.,. Indeed, research shows us that it is imperative that we have connection, touch, and communication in order to maintain health and well-being.
I am incredibly grateful to have a few people in my life who offer me this, yet, we ALL have busy lives. As a woman with no children, self-employed, no partner I recognise that life can be very lonely as I ‘run a story’ that I can’t reach out too much for being needy’, ‘others are too busy or I’m imposing’. Sooooo many stories I can go in to but am choosing not to.


So, whilst I have great people I also realise that I long for something more. A level of presence of connection, of communication that few can actually offer. I was recently attending a Grief Apprentice training work which speaks to my soul and was again struck at how each person on this week was present, attentive and honest about speaking with me. How when I was with them we were not looking at our phones, or another, we were not avoiding our emotions or truth. No, we looked each other in the eye with care, with curiosity and tenderness, with intelligence and wonder, we spent time in nature and together. There were tears, there was much laughter and there was LOVE, respect and HONESTY.


Yes, there was a love of each individual as a human being – not because of their status, attractiveness (don’t get me wrong some of these individuals were just sublime), no, these people were beautiful and wondrous simply from being really f**king real, human and truthful. This is what we fall in love with – people being brave enough to show up in their humanity, to really sink into the realness of who they are, what they stand for, daring to ‘do the work’ stand up for who they are and what they believe in. For to not do so causes the heart and soul so much pain we dive in to a place I find myself in – numbing out through our additions and loneliness.


My salvation again and again I realise is writing my truth – its raw, its painful, its ugly and it certainly ‘ain’t sweet’ but you know what – it speaks the truth – it speaks to what it is to be human. It speaks to the work I have done and continue to do on myself and with my clients….


I pray every day to find my tribe that can hold me and meet me in this place of truth, of rawness and vulnerability of strength and pure grit for within it is a heart of gold, a passion so strong that it could make nature changes it course and gods tremble in its wake. Someone gifted me with their parting words last week of ‘you are a force of nature’ with this I take to my heart as I surrender to my tears, longing and prayer that in everything I do, I do what is greater than I and to ALWAYS be in service, to open my heart and be brave enough to live and love fully with every ounce of my BE-ing and within that I pray I find tribe and my beloved….So may it be…


Sarah Bullock March 27 2019
www.theembodiedawakening.com

Llustration of a girl and in the forest.

Shame…the toxic mantle of illusion

Shame….the toxic mantle of illusion

There are so many aspects to shame all offering a toxic cloak. Their job? Among others to create illusion, to Shield us from what is actually a false reality. To prevent us from being in purpose, from self and from the totality of who we are here to be. Keeping us small, stuck in a skin we have often long outgrown but are fearful of leaving behind. To keep us locked in story. A story that often is not our own. It is often imposed, learned and embedded from before we could talk, even born if we take into account epigenetics.

The Illusion of shame keeps us separate from ourselves, from ourselves to others and from others to ourselves. It creates masks and within that Shame creates a certain ‘lens’ to our vision which means we are unable to see the ‘truth’ and the TRUTH.

Shame be it ancestral or our own clouds our judgement. How often have we taken what another says and made it our own through our inability to truly honour ourself? How often have we rejected ourselves or another through ‘shame’ be it weight, class, sexuality? Do we know that is why we are rejecting? The subtle edge of the cloak of shame is so nuanced sometimes we are not able to discern that it is actually shame that is playing its part in our decision making.

How often do we play out old patterns learnt from a young age to ‘keep small, keep quiet, be good’, ‘be slimmer’ ‘’don’t eat that/do that’, ‘don’t flaunt yourself’?

Hearing the words ‘do as I say’, ‘boys don’t cry, girls should be seen and not heard’ etc etc create those demons that live on our shoulders whispering lies into our psyche, creating doubt and forcing us to reject ourselves and others over and over again. I know these intimately. They are painful, limiting and deeply toxic patterns.

Listening to Brene Brown again recently and her talk on shame I recognise more and more the underpinning of this toxic emotion as ‘fear’ of ‘not being good enough’. Fear of being totally vulnerable by being totally present to life. Fear Of knocking out all the stops and to manifest into wholeness. To live fully with an open heart, open voice and open wild curiosity. The fear of rejection, abandonment, rejection all linked to ‘shame’.

Shame is often others projections of their not feeling able to be bigger, bolder, braver. It is others wanting to ‘keep us safe’ due to an inability to keep themselves safe or be kept safe by those that were meant to care give.

Shame is a toxic clock known to many of us which is hindering us in life itself. In relationships. In communications. It is the aspect of self that causes us to look critically at ourselves ‘does my bum look big in this?’

The patriarchal BS of how a woman ‘should look and behave’. All to conform to a ‘norm’ created by those wanting to shame to keep us small and in a box. To cull our desires and wanton, potent healing nature. The witches and women that were taken out in their prime in order to ‘control’ that which they were unable to control or understand. Making us ‘wrong, evil and dirty’. Shaming us for what lies between our thighs. Raping and taking in order to contain. Shaming. Shaming. Shaming. Defiling and killing the spirit. Taking away the ‘right’ to be sexual, free and liberated expressive beings.  Watching this ‘walk of shame’ in Game of Thrones brings it home how we have been violated deeply Walk of shame

As women we have taken on this patriarchal nonsense as our own. Indeed. We even look at each other and ‘shame’. This impacts our family, our community and those we do not know. Indeed, will never know. The media and celebrity culture shows this beautifully. It thrives and makes millions on us ‘shaming each other’. It isn’t just women. Men do it too. As women to men. Indeed, humankind seem to ‘shame’ for the sake of shaming, often without real conscious awareness of what we are doing. Shame. That toxic clock of despair when we don’t ‘make the grade’. Hell, at least some of us actually get out there and ‘do our best to better ourselves’ and want to ‘wobble the world’ with our curves, our voices, our power and song.   Plunging ourselves head long into love, life and living. Toxic cloak and all.

Some of us wish to cease feeling this toxicity seeping into our very essence of life, our bloodstream. Instead of feeling encumbered by the toxic cloak of shame be begin to unravel and untangle it’s heavy load upon us and we begin to learn to dance our truth, liberating ourselves and our voices, our sexuality, bodies and pure libidic energy. We fight our way through the quagmire of toxic thoughts and limitations and learn to honour ourselves and our bodies.

We stop ‘settling’ for the crumbs offered by others regardless of whence they came and we demand the biggest piece of cake or steak that life can offer.

We cease accepting the lies and deception. The BS relationships and ‘playing’ by others who ‘devalue us because we devalue ourselves’. We begin to know and demand that we are worthy of the ‘wholeness’ and ‘holiness’ of self and connection, and if it is not being offered we move on knowing we have done our best, we have most importantly learnt to value and honour ourselves. To know deeply we are worthy and great enough.

When we accept ourself as all we are, and all we are not instead of imposing others views upon ourselves or casting a blurred lens over our beauty and brilliance. We nullify shame. We cease marring our vision and becoming less than we are. We ‘enable’ ourselves and others. We assist rather than ‘desist’. We simply begin to live as is our birthright before all the stories became ingrained.

We learn to be who we truly are. Naked. Whole. Beautiful. Perfect in our imperfections.

Previously, I would never have posted a photo of myself like this through my deep body shame.

I would have asked previously ‘am I too fat?’ Yes, I know I now have a ‘good’ body but it takes work and care and nourishing myself. I am heavier than I have been but not as heavy as I was. I have come to a place of acceptance. Now I say..’thank you for my glorious body that is healthy and strong’ and whilst I still work on my nuances of shame and the limitations they bring I say ‘f**k shame and what you think….. I’m grateful to be me’!

I invite shame to sit by my side not inside my body, sex and psyche, I ask it to guide and highlight where I know I want to heal, not lead into false self and above all I ask shame to dissolve into a vapour rather than the mantle pulled too tight around my throat, thighs and heart as it has been all my life and to leave me naked, free and truly at one with life.

Sarah Bullock
Creative Psychotherapist, Health Coach and Dancer

Aging

2 March 2019

Struggling with aging!! Can we begin to find this beauty in this process that comes to us all. So much longing from myself to hold onto the younger, pert, less lined self. The one that was a size 8 and fit to boot! 

The in-betwixt where one is not that, not yet a crone. Never a mother. Learning to be the Queen. I wonder if aging is different for those with children? (Yes; sensitive topic). With having birthed and with all blessings raised a child to adult hood there is a natural rite of passage into aging as you witness aspects of yourself growing into their fullness of being. Those of us that are childless through choice or not and I speak for myself can potentially look at this aging process with different eyes. 

I know myself I feel like I missed a certain part of my growth into adulthood by not being a mother in the traditional sense. My body did not undergo that incredible and alchemical process of nesting and birthing a child. Yet, I birth projects, I have a certain ‘mother’ role in other areas of my life. Do I feel I missed something? Yes. Sometimes I do. My body does for sure. At this cusp in life where I am approaching menopause it gives me strong signals and yearnings that ‘it isn’t too late’ I could still conceive’. However, I know this isn’t my path in this life for many reasons. It does bring home this longing however for youth. Yes, I am wiser than I was but I miss my body, my health, my ability to move more quickly. 

Yet. There is a slowing, a wisdom, a ‘no BS’ zone that is strong, feelings of self-worth are present more now than ever, the knowledge that I have something to offer the world. Yet. Yes. I still miss my youthful looks there is a certain amount of shame to these lines on my face and sag of my breast. ‘Oh no one will find me attractive’ ‘I’m too old for love’ etc etc. These things actually pierce my head and brig a tear to my eye as for the moment they are real. They are stories I live with that I am shifting and rewriting. They are narratives handed down by generations. They are a weaving in a fabric that is toxic to many of us. 

So, as I rewrite my stories and learn to fully accept myself now I remind myself to be gentle. That it has taken all the work. All the heartbreak. All the vulnerability and showing up to bring me to a point of being able to write and not worry so much about looking a fool. But to write from the heart the words many will resonate with. But few will speak. It’s time my loves to speak up. Write out. Dance and pray for ourselves and our planet. Our humanness. To be human is to have feelings and to age. We are not here to hide and YES, we are here to learn. 

So, to this I surrender and ask for some more grace 🙏

Acceptance

Morning Musings: 27 February 2019

Ready. Waiting. Fallow yet the richly turned soil of my body navigating the waves and weaves of times past fully aligning, shedding old, outmoded, stories and patterns. Welcoming the new.

Skins shedding peeling in lumps leaving skin, raw, exposed.  Shiny, new, pink and gold hues. Dull scales leaving.  The temple opening and exposing the one that layers beneath, previously hidden.  Flecks of gold, mixed with gnarly dark patches, shamefully hidden away. These aspects of self; woven together like a tapestry of light and dark stories, tattooed on my skin. Stories from the wilds of the ancients telling of tales of culling, maiming to sow the seeds of hope, nourishing and tending with care and beauty.   Honouring the journey of all that is. Casting aside, no-thing of the self.  Nothing.  For what lies beneath is paramount for the journey ahead.

The wealth of knowledge deemed from those dark, desperate, volatile places that feel like Pele is dancing in my heart whilst Sekhmet severs aspects of my life and others to pieces.  The protector, The mother.  The father. The lover. The beloved. Sekhmet.  She who is so deeply misunderstood.  Rage against the unjust. Seeking for justice. Honour and acceptance.

These dark and seemly ‘gruesome’ places give way and give rise to such tender sensitivity, healing and vitality. Giving way to beauty.  Not beauty as one might long for, the conventionally accepted beauty.  No, beauty has been carved, smoothed, honed, earned, honoured and worked for.  The depth of soul; of speech, of connection.  The depth of BE-ing, the depths of the wounded masculine and feminine encapsulated in an ecstatic embrace each healing the other. Healing self.   Both seen, met, heard and acknowledged.

The depths of the adult scooping up and loving the sweet wounded child of long past who has until now ‘run the show’ using an outmoded and outdated way of viewing the world through tear stained lenses. Misinformed, wounded, rejected, abandoned, hiding and shy not knowing who to trust.

No, this is the beauty of all of this and more.  Of BE-ing all of self.  A re-membering of self.  The gentle courage to begin to allow all these parts to be seen.  To be loved, to be held, to be nourished. To be accepted.

The reclamation of the totality of self takes time. It takes courage.  It takes a raw, vulnerable and strong heart and a whole heap of faith thrown in.   IT takes a willingness to dance with the dichotomy of who we are.  Of life.  Of other.  It calls us to come fully back to ourselves and say with a compassionate and gentle voice. You are enough. You are whole.  You are beautiful. I accept you. I see you.  You are here. 

Tender Heart

I refound this piece that I wrote last year whilst still grieving a relationship that had ended.  I find myself all this time later open hearted and ready to love again.  Ready.  I do believe in allowing time, a grieving process, space before we embark on another adventure into love, whatever that may bring……I am ready….time to start writing again…to begin…

Here is my heart….

TENDER HEART

Time gone, never reclaimed the memory of you fades. The hole in my heart, my life and my home lingers.

You linger like the smell of forests after the rain, the smell of sun on skin, of puppy breath. Fresh bread baked in the morning left out to air. The smells of home. Of love. Of tender Care

I still see your face etched in the pillow where we would lie and talk. There you slept deeply almost not breathing. Just presence. Just you. Perfect you.

Your presence in life touched many and me. So blessed for the times shared. The hours.

Hours, weeks, months and years. So many moments honoured with tears.

I wonder if you ever think of me at all. Your anger and blocking cuts to the vein. Hours scolding like a tattoo artists branding my heart with the initials of your name. Your dog. Your favourite remedy.

The kindness we shared marred now with such distance. A longing a pulling from my heart. Blocked. Cut. Nothing. No more.

Left
Abandoned
Heart break the same

Asking for forgiveness for a moment in time that maybe just once in a while you might look back and smile.

Asking for moments.  For hours to pass, for healing to this tired lonely heart but never a regret of hours spent with you.  Deeply I honour and send love on its way to hold and to heal the precious parts of you whole.

I love you
I thank you
I bow to you and your life

Go well dear one
Go well.

Love….

Love

This photograph was taken a while ago whilst I was looking at someone I was deeply in love with at the time. Said person has since left my life leaving me nurturing a wounded heart, flaying in the spaciousness their loss left in my life. Learning to be true to myself and what I am feeling.

It has taken a long time to thoroughly heal from this loss. I am however a little more humbled, wiser to the wisdom of loss and love. How love and loss are so closely linked. Fearing to love fully for fear of loosing. Loosing before we have therefore even loved. Loving the idea of love instead of actually getting out there and loving, emerging I self deeply in life. It is what we are here to do. Love. Stories and limitations imposed by self and other, creating walls and hesitations.

Love opens us up to opportunities that if we remain closed pass us by. Love allows us to shine, to forgive, to meet, to be met. Love is the medicine for the soul in all things. Touch, love, a warm embrace. Love is the place of acceptance, it also allows change. It is compassion, it is passion, creation and it gives us the spirit to fight for what we ‘love’ and believe in.

I’m not talking just about romantic love but LOVE as a whole. Love that encourages us to hold the hand of a friend when they are in distress. To give to others. To care for ourselves. To want to make a difference. To also relinquish the ‘need’ for ‘having to’.

Love opens us to gratitude for the big and small things in life. Love opens us to wonder at all that is around us in nature. Love drives us to want to be the best we can be. To surrender to the flow. To cease projecting, expecting. To weave our threads of purpose into the complexities of life. To honour our earth and all its inhabitants.

The Greeks have 8 words for love. Us? Just one. We bracket everything under this one word ‘love’ it holds a heavy burden of expectation. It is no wonder we can shy or run away from it, racing away at full pelt without a backwards glance. We use it out of context, misinterpret it, long for it, block it. All these and more from the one ‘simple’ word of ‘love’.

Love is by no means ‘simple’ it is a myriad of things. For me, i often misinterpret it. Still finding my way to recognise the nuances that play out in my life, my heart. Learning the differences of what love means for me. It is a journey. It requires a brave soul and heart, a willingness to open to feel, to dare and to get it wrong. Which I often do.

For women our womb and heart are deeply linked and connected. How often do we misinterpret lust for love? That warm feeling that opens the body and heart stemming from a deep desire for intimate connection? Lustful?

I have indeed found myself in relationships unaware of this differentiation wondering why I was not truly happy. I was trying to create something that was not there. It was ‘meant’ to be something different to what I was ‘making’ it to be.

For many of us women, the longing of our loins can activate our hearts leading us to believe we are in love when actually we are lust and feeling wanton. Yes, both can be linked which is great. But can you actually discern the difference?

Women are designed to procreate thus our hearts open to sex. We are ‘designed’ to have babies there ‘should’ be a heart connection when this magic and miracle happens. This and the perception of women as sexual beings blurs the primal aspect that we as women are also sexual beings with wants, desires and lustful thoughts and needs. How often when we have shown our fullness in this are have we been shamed back into the darkness told you’re ‘too much’ ‘sluttish’ etc etc Or taken only to be ‘passed over’ for a nicer girl?

We can hold all. The ‘good’, the wanton, the bitch, witch. It’s imperative to know them, own them and give them space else the shadow aspects play out in manipulation, control, greed.

I know I’m myself I long to be met and meet where I am all of myself. This takes me being ALL of who I am. Women and men just being who we are. ALL of us. Surely this is the greatest path to love? To open to be honest, to show up in all our glory, all our faults and find love for them?

I know that the person I was looking at in this photo loved me deeply. Yet, it was a codependent love. Both of us not speaking out or being our true selves. This realisation comes from time, space, much reflection and deep compassion for myself and them.

Love comes, takes us, opens us up and invites authenticity. I invite it in all forms. Love take me as yours and do with me as you will so I can mirror that and bring that to life.

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

Loneliness….

Loneliness can creep up on you and take you by surprise. One day dining alone becomes a chore, the constant seeking for connection when others are busy with work, family, friends, Beloved’s, life.

Loneliness is like a cancer that seeps into your bones taking the joy out of life and ache seeps into the heart and soul calling to be itches but there is no ease until soul to soul, skin to skin, heart to heart connection has been established.

No matter how much ‘work’ I did. No matter how much i ‘delivered’ I sensed a loneliness creeping along beside me, behind me, inside me. Like that four footed beast Dr E speaks of in ‘Women who run with wolves’.

Shyness dresses this beast. Within it a story of being alone. Not good enough. Too old, too fat to this too that. All bullshit.

The fear of opening the heart and being the one that reaches out first, rather than shrinking back into the shadows. Being rejected again and again because the story you are running is one of rejection going in for the meeting. What do you expect?

How do you change a pattern? A story? One amazing woman I worked with Tess Horan asked me once ‘Sarah do you like yourself’? When I sank into that question. I realised ‘no’ I didn’t. How then can I ‘love’ myself if I can’t even ‘like’ myself? Throwing me into a spiral of self reflection I began to pull forth the aspects of myself that I did like.

I am kind.

I listen to my body I respect myself and my needs.

I am intelligent (this has taken years of courses and therapy to realise this!)

Yes I might be the heaviest I’ve ever been and struggling with that. But my body is for the most healthy and strong. For this I am grateful. I am also grateful for being a sexual being. Raw and primal and deeply sensual. This I like.

I am considerate. I am thoughtful. I care. I remember when people are going through rough times and check in. I remember birthdays.

I champion others. I see the best in people and entice that out, encourage it and applaud it in others.

I am good with animals. I give to others sometimes when I have nothing myself.

I love gifting people and creating opportunities for them to experience new things and succeed

I am a great cook! I am also really good at what I do in my work.

I am brave. I try new things.

I fuck up, I own it, I speak it and I forgive myself.

I always look for ways to be he best person I can be. Including when I fuck up!

I live my life in service yet honour myself financially.

I have really nice feet!

I bring myself to the dance floor of life. That means I am too much for many. When they project their own fears and inadequacies on to me. Yet I dance with them encouraging and enabling. Whilst the arrows get stabbed into my back. I remove them and add salve.

I am a good and loyal friend and partner and so much more.

It is time again for me to champion myself to that next level. To practise the kindness, love and compassion I show to others to myself.

‘Loneliness’ can be a friend, a guide. It highlights where something is ‘off’. How often have you felt lonely with another due to our not being totally authentic?

When we feel at peace with ourselves We can honour being alone without feeling lonely as we recognise that we are actually an amazing person to spend time with.

I like me. I love me. Do you like you?

Embrace the beast, learn to dance it’s Dance. Take the power back and integrate the whole of yourself to yourself. There in lies the ability to connect on levels previously hidden under illusion. Open to the grace and potency of who you are. You are so enough. Shine bright and live. And yes, I am too much for many, this simply means that those that embrace me are also bringing all of themselves to the table. I say YES let’s dine.