Please may I be good enough….
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PLEASE MAY THIS BE GOOD ENOUGH…..
Golly the process of writing academically, or potentially any form of ‘putting yourself out there’ be it body, voice, writing, can for some (myself) be one that illicit’s huge trauma response and potentially put you in to a place of non action.
I have for the last 2 weeks been researching and playing with a working title for my thesis. This has lead me through every single emotion possible. Including bringing up grief about my ex partner who was my rock through my first year at uni among other things.
The isolation, the stories of not being good enough, being stupid, being just useless, old wounds that still sit somewhere deep in my psyche, my soma raised their strange and wonderful heads, even as I pressed the button to submit my paper I was praying ‘please let this be enough’. I wonder if these curious facets of ourselves ever truly go or if we really do just have to heal them facet by facet, illusion by illusion, story by story?
A dear, wise and wonderful friend Estelle (Dr G as I affectionately call her, a genius in energy healing) said to me yesterday ‘Sarah some people look at the box’ you take the box, pick it up, give it a good shake, or bash it with a stick and stick your head inside. This is where the alchemy is’.
Its true I do. In doing so I also alienate people, put myself out on a limb and can isolate myself. However, what it does do is creates magic. It creates growth.
The old adage ‘take the bull by the horns’ well, I am a double Taurus and Chinese pig to boot so you got to have a whole lot of something to shift this stubborn one, yet I can also dance with the feet of angels and be as light as anything. These angelic feet, I find once I have taken a moment of action to be brave. They then take me on a sweet dance towards a greater part of myself.
Being a little bit brave in the face of our old stories lifts the doubt into one of possibility, it takes the fear into one of trust, it takes the inertia into action.
We can also look at the myth of lifting the lid of Pandora’s box. What if through fear we never opened the box? What if curiosity was dimmed and the flame never lit? The desire never ignited?
Yes, we would live a ‘sweet idyllic life’ of platitude (lovely for some and part of me sometimes wishes I could settle for this) however; within the box, for me, is the ‘juice’.
There is the destruction, the death, the shadow, the chaos and so much more.
As my teacher Samantha Sweetwater stated so beautifully this morning
‘ The shadow isn’t your enemy. It just feels that way. When you make friends with your deepest fears and traumas, you will be at the threshold of freedom. When you walk through, real living – living from an unarmored heart – begins.’
Yes, an unarmoured heart. A life of freedom and transformation and growth, meeting and being met.
We forget perhaps that when Pandora tries to shut the box, she shuts in HOPE. Hope is what many of us need through times of trauma, of hardship, when the light at the end of the tunnel seems so dim and distant that we think it is a mirage. However, HOPE is what transforms, it is what brings joy it is the thing we must cling onto with the lightest and strongest of touches to assist us.
Arguably HOPE is what will change the world. For without it, there can be little magic. HOPE is what this world at this time is asking for. HOPE is what can move us into a different space and place within our lives and ourselves.
Without HOPE there is nothing.