‘Spikes or Boundaries’ – that is the question….
I have long been feeling the call to establish a writing practise. To share an experience of what it is to be a woman living a real life, fully expressed life through writing, speaking and moving.
This is a practise I am still navigating my way through, yet it calls to my very essence. Tugging my heart strings and my creative juices, my soul yearns to write yet my internal critic is strong, oh so very strong so I have resisted, yet this call to write has not gone away.
Today find myself with a topic to which I feel honours some time and attention, please be kind in your reading whilst I find my way, navigating my writing technique, language and form.
With gratitude, I had someone feedback today to me some things in which I know. Things which I am not always proud of but form a part of me which have all my life ‘kept me safe’.
A side of my character which is not one of my finest features, yet, it is indeed a part of me. A behaviour for which, all my life, has had consequences. Loss, rejection, ending of friendships, love affairs and sometimes alienating people from the beginning.
I have many flaws. I am but human. I am also a woman who is open to discussion about said flaws, known and unknown as I am all for improving myself, aiming to be the best person I can be in the world. No longer seeking to improve because I want to be accepted, or loved, or want to fit in. No, now I want to be the best person I can be, so that I feel good about myself. So, I can rest easy knowing that I have done the best I can do in my day.
Which of my many flaws (and yes, there are many) am I referring to?
‘SPIKINESS’. Yes, I can be spikey. Yes, indeed I remember someone once saying to me ‘who is colder? You or the ice queen?’ to which I responded ‘ME!’.
Walls, barriers, armouring all hiding my soft underbelly, the side of me which is vulnerable, raw and sensitive. For many years I have hidden these aspects of myself, afraid to let people in, experiencing much loss in the process. Those that know me well, know how incredibly soft and sensitive I am, yet, many would laugh in disagreement.
Years of personal work emotionally, spiritually, physically has seen some of the armour fall away, the walls begin to crumble, yet still they are there, less so, and often witho
ut even realising it. Old patterns can take a while to reconfigure, to transform. It is a process.
Many of us have our defences, our ways of keeping out the pain and hurt, methods in which we ‘protect’. Yet, ‘WHAT’ are we protecting from? Perceived loss, anticipated rejection, fear of abandonment, hurt, pain…. the list goes on. They also keep us from LIFE, from LOVE, from CONNECTION, from TRUTH and INTIMACY. Again, this I know deeply to my own cost.
All these defences from perhaps one or more experiences in which we have felt vulnerable and perhaps in more serious cases unsafe. Stories that we have exaggerated, embellished until we cannot remember the core of the reality of what actually happened.
Yet, I also ask: how often are we called ‘spikey’ or ‘armoured’ when in reality we are boundaried? Where is the difference? When is it that it is the other persons perception or core wounding that is actually being activated rather than us actually being ‘spikey’?
I know myself that I can operate from a very non-aware place on occasion especially when I am tired, rushing or not being mindful, caught up in my own personal pain. I can be short, I can indeed be cutting and my energy very strongly giving out a ‘KEEP AWAY’ vibe.
However, I can also simply have strong boundaries. Boundaries that say ‘this is my NO’, ‘please own your own stuff’, ‘please do not invade my personal space’ etc etc. I am learning all the time how to differentiate, yet whilst I navigate my way through I can slip into being ‘spikey’.
Actions have consequences. Every action we do has a consequence, and often they hurt, usually in advertently causing pain to another, sometimes consciously. On this occasion, they affected something I do in my local community, alienating women from a place established for them to, ironically, feel safe and create connection! Oh my, how I screwed up there! Yet, for once I am practising kindness to myself. For once not taking it all personally, not berating myself, not belittling or bemoaning. No, for once I am recognising that not always am I able to meet everyone’s expectations and when we do
things in our communities we are often projected upon. I know I have projected onto my teachers, my peers, strangers, it is only through personal awareness that this shifts.
Arguably, we are especially projected upon and judged when we are strong, potent women who have a voice and have strong boundaries. Those of us that put themselves out there, who stand up to be counted (one of the many reasons I have my whole life hidden!), those who create, dare to bare our souls, our bodies our hearts.
Simply, we can activate other people’s core wounding’s. Fact. We also activate people’s perception of themselves. We often invite it. We are like a temptress, inviting people to look at themselves as we so often look at ourselves, inviting the best of you, the best of us to come forth. We are change makers.
At the same time we would be unable to meet the demands set on us by ourselves and by others if we did not have strong boundaries, which can be seen as ‘spikes/walls/defences’. How do we know the difference? How can we translate these to our communities, families, friends and lovers?
As I continue to navigate my walls, my spikes, my armour and my vulnerability, my boundaries, learning the tender dance of myself I watch with curiosity. I ask how I can interact ever more truthfully, more authentically and more in keeping with who I am at my core rather than through my stories or wounding’s.
I also make a choice. I choose LIFE. I choose LOVE. I choose CONNECTION. I choose INTIMACY. I choose AUTHENTIC FULLY EXPRESSED LIVING and in doing so I honour that I am like marmite and not for everyone and in that I accept.
If I have inadvertently offended or upset anyone who reading this with my curtness or spikes in the past then I humbly apologise and ask for forgiveness as I explore my humanness as I hope you explore your own, for we are simply dancing together in this life, learning and growing with each other and I am grateful for the opportunity to do so.
In grace and love,