I don’t know about you but I’ve been having a lot of very strange and in-depth dreams recently last night they were about betrayal.
I realise that I’ve held a story for a very long time, lifetimes even! It is also in my family system and held in the collective.
The story is one around betrayal of the masculine and yet when I sit with that I feel that it goes further back than that and it relates also to the feminine how the feminine have betrayed the masculine. How the feminine betrayed the feminine, the masculine the masculine…It goes ALL ways, yet we can get very stuck in the loop of one.
Meditating, I asked for some guidance around this and this is what I was given:
‘Know the healing is happening because you have an awareness. There is nothing and no thing for you to do simply allow the old that is coming through for release to come through. it is liberating you from the past there is nothing you can do about the past. You can only make choices now and moving forward about how you wish to be in the world.
Those that have come and gone let them release them, cease holding onto them as they are an illusion; a memory. If they are meant to be in your life they will return it is your choice to be open or not.
Know that the love you seek also seeks you. Trust this is so believe this is so. Yet, you also have to WANT YOURSELF. You, yourself, know how time is a factor that is in the hands of only the divine when the alignment is right magic happens.
Trust the universe has your back. We are rooting for you, for this growth. Self acceptance, love and kindness is vital for this next phase of life. You may or may not know this but you will never not meet a soulmate.
The dreams and reflections are helping you identify what was not what is. You are releasing and realigning to enable the new codes to download and become truth in your life. The blueprint of you is coming alive fully. This is so the beauty of now can come through and be present in the world, there is no rush.
Everyone is being still, waiting, percolating biding time for the growth process on the planet cannot come whilst everyone is doing ‘normal everyday busy routines including avoidance!’
Take these weeks and months to fully understand you. To dive deep, to move with and through, to discover the green and gold of your heart. The truth of your heart, to create. Begin to fully belong to yourself. No one else, nowhere else, just here NOW.
The belonging you seek is a longing to be accepted.
How can you be accepted anywhere else when you do you not believe in yourself? When you live only from the past memories, reflections and stories you have told yourself?
Are these working?
We think not!
You are shifting and with this the belonging becomes a being!
No more longing as there is an acceptance of who you are. This takes away the external longing and you arrive to a place of being.
A place of knowing.
A place of self trust.
Believing and knowing this is Grace.
It is connection.
It is the alignment of head, heart, hearth and spirit.
This is the medicine right now share this and share yourself as it feels right for you’.
How often have you found yourself asking one or all of the following?
‘What’s wrong with me?’
“What did I do wrong?’
‘Why does no one love me?’
‘Why do I fall for someone, only for them to not want me?’
‘What. Why. How….?’
You know what I am referring to if you resonate with any of these…
If you’re anything like me…..it’s been pretty frequently over the years…are you tired of it? I am. Golly, so bored of running that dialogue with myself. Perpetually, telling myself such negative things. Causing myself pain, emotionally and physically, not to mention the mental turmoil.
A teacher once (Tom Balistreri) said something that rocked me to the core…’the first step of initiation, is to never say anything nasty to yourself again’. Well, I thought to myself….here I am….I have been ‘doing my work’ and yet, I am still being cruel to myself. Often, negating myself and being in a negative spiral of critical self-talk without even realising.
A few short years later, here I am again, writing, reflecting and realising that still I slip into this toxic pattern. Oh my, the stories we tell ourselves, the things we do that self-sabotage ourselves.
How do YOU ‘self-care’?
Salt baths, with essential oils and candles?
Nice dinner and glass of wine?
Have a pedicure?
Go on holiday?
Spend time in nature?
Spend time with beloveds/friends/yourself?
I could continue; I have many more, I am after all a double Taurus and ‘self-care’ comes as second nature it’s in my genetic makeup….
Nope, I argue the fundamental thing that is THE most important ‘self-care’ tool…. …THINK GOOD THOUGHTS about yourself. YES! BE NICE TO YOURSELF…be kind, be gentle, be loving, be compassionate, get off your own back. I don’t mean forget everything and everyone else and spiritually bypass the responsibility of your own healing by pretending nothing else matters and thinking ‘only good things’. No I mean. Be AWARE deeply aware of your internal dialogue with yourself. To notice when something gets triggered and when we go into an old pattern of story and stopping. Taking a breath and saying, I see you, I hear you, I’ve got you.
Being kinder to myself has been the greatest gift I have given myself. I repeat: Being kinder to myself has been the greatest gift I have given myself.
It hasn’t been so long that this has been a practise as this one ‘small’ thing is indeed one of the hardest. I say ‘practise’ as it is exactly that a practise. There are not many of us that I am aware of lucky enough to bring this in as a natural state of being. It has often taken some hard life knocks and realisations for us to get there. To realise something in our way of ‘being or doing, comparing to others, self and other expectations’ just isn’t working and we have to create a change. This was my experience. You may indeed be different and to this I honour your journey and celebrate your knowledge of this.
To practise self-kindness calls us to make different choices, step out of the box, to cease running the self-limiting stories that have created us and keep us locked in the toxic patterns. The reverse is quite spectacular, it means we give ourselves PERMISSION.
We come to a place of acceptance within ourselves and thus give ourselves permission. Permitting ourselves freedom, grace, play, love and connection. To practise self-care and self-kindness It liberates us from feeling we need to prove anything to anyone or DO anything. It stops the judgement of others and of ourselves. For its true we could be practising all the ‘self-care’ in the world, yet if we are still telling ourselves we are this that or the other, we are judging ourselves, in turn judging others and actually not practicing ‘self-care’ at all!
It accepts the individual, the human-being that we are.
Being kinder to myself, has indeed been the greatest gift to myself. It lets me off the hook. Not in the way that I don’t’ care or won’t continue to be the best version of myself (this too is a practise), no it means I give myself permission to get it wrong, to stop, take a breath, realise my error, where I have been operating from a place of woundedness or fear and start again. It means that I get to grow without penalising myself all the time. Well, I still can do this but then, in my defence I have had over 40 years’ experience so it’s a tricky one to simply stop without practise, recognition, choice and strengthening the part of myself that is ‘acting out’.
Yes, I give myself a ‘reset button’. An Ah Hah moment, a moment of recognition and then choice. A choice to make a different decision, to think a different thought, to pick up the phone and ask for some support in order to see things a different way. To step away from the ‘story’ and into the ‘now’ the nothing and no-thing. To be with the discomfort of the unknown, the ‘meantime or void’.
The unknown terrifies most of us who like to control in order to feel safe. It is a place of such fear and resistance that we can look to question deeply our choices that have led us here. To go into blame, self-loathing and criticism as it is known and easy, actually it’s actually the most painful place to be as we hurt ourselves.
This time is a crucial time. It is the edge and this edge, this ‘rub’, this muscle to be worked requires some skill and time. It requires the discipline to make a different choice and select a different path. It takes courage and consciousness. It takes us to take a lead of faith…..a leap of faith in ourselves.
It’s within this place of faith in ourselves, we begin to see to KNOW that there is actually nothing wrong with us at all. We begin to learn and KNOW that the person we thought had left us, we didn’t really want anyway, or if we did and the relationship ended was it actually the ‘RIGHT’ relationship for me or had we outgrown each other?
We get to know, trust and believe in ourselves, our value and our beauty, we get to see our integrity and service in the world, how we make a difference and who we touch. We begin to let in the love, LET IN LIFE, unlike any time before..
Yes, beloveds, we get to know. To truly know who we are and that we are worthy of living a life full. We get to hang up the stories and create new memories. Though the kindness and grace we bestow upon ourselves we learn how to truly ‘have our own back’, to self-care on the deepest level that nourishes us to our soul not just toenails…
This my friend is the time that we get to truly live….and believe you me it is a gift, just as you are a gift.
There is something about birthdays….the day you entered this world…however many years ago….the day your mother underwent her own rite of passage to birth you into this place we get to call ‘home’. Through the conduit from where we came, the portal to life and the sacred union that created us.
Whatever our ‘story’ about our parents, our conception – without this ‘sacred union’, for, YES, it was sacred for from it came the miracle that YOU are in the world. Without it there would be no you, in this time and place and the exact glorious imperfectly perfect human you are. We enter the world through the portal of our mother then after a certain age…what we then choose to do with our stories and lives is indeed our choice.
We all have things that have happened, ancestral wounds we carry, our own traumas and pains. Yet, when we settle into the bare bones of who we are, how we are being, (yes, influenced by our past), yet, still with one foot with the possibility of changing patterns and behaviours we do indeed have CHOICE.
One of my ‘primal wounds’ is REJECTION…yup, this ‘little’ story that can hinder many of us. How many of you relate to this ‘beauty’?
However, this morning on my ‘birthday’ I awake with a song that played from a moment shared with a previous lover (one, yes, I am struggling to release…unrequited love…it’s a bitch….keeps us stuck in those old patterns and stories of rejection and ‘what’s wrong with me? I’m not good enough’)….I digress. This song bought me to floods of tears as I lay in my empty bed, another year single, alone, longing. Yet, unlike previous years where I have berated often my very existence on this planet, these were tears of deep realisation that it was time to finally let this pattern and story go.
It is time. I am tired of it. We have to reach a point of being so tired of the story and pattern we really mean it…like REALLY mean it.
It goes a bit like this, where there is an element of blame towards those that have rejected me, fundamentally each day I reject myself…, read that again…I reject myself….consciously or unconsciously….my belly is too big, I’m too old, not successful enough…blah blah yes some of you know my insecurities and the stories I play out, as I write about them, I take them to therapy, I take them into my dance….they are a part of me and sometimes still yes, they get the better of me, until I realise and I again scoop them up and love them back to health.
It is this self-rejection on so many levels, the deeply nuanced or maybe you are still flogging yourself with a cat and 9-tails or stick (no…this isn’t an S&M fetish of mine) this is about self-flagellation on a level that is so deeply painful we don’t realise we are doing it until….well…until we do…or it is pointed out….or we actually cause ourselves actual physical pain..
It’s the moment of these wobbles, these times when life throws us a curve ball ….or pandemic we get to really do and BE the work. We get to practise that which we have read, spoken about and are learning all the even deeper levels of. For me, until we KNOW it on a visceral level, until it is embodied and known becomes body knowledge, I argue, we don’t actually know…
For me these things are not a cognitive process. We can ‘think’ we understand’ but still there is a linear approach. Whilst, yes, sometimes this is vital for our survival strategies, we do not want to continue to live in survival mode,,…that fight/flight/freeze is exhausting and very unhealthy. Unhealthy in our bodies, we become toxic with unexpressed emotions…sick…in our health and mind….unhealthy in our relationships. We continue to play out the patterns of abandonment, rejection, unfaithfulness, co-dependence….you get my drift? Does this sound familiar?
Something a gifted astrologer I know Karen Smith (Gnostic Woman) wrote yesterday, shook be back into the reality of myself and life, the big picture from this place of sadness about the ex-lover and a friend who chooses no longer to speak to me, and I still have no idea why!
Karen writes: ‘Stop loving people that cannot love you back- stop giving your power, time and energy to a person, persons, or situation that cannot or will not love you back.
Stop being angry that they cannot love you. If they could love you or wanted to love you, they would be loving you. If they are not loving you, or if they are loving you in ways that make you feel unloved, diminished, unseen, abandoned or betrayed, it’s not enough.
Why persist in hurting yourself? Why persist in being unmet?
The work begins within. Why are you available for unavailable people and not for yourself?
Where there is drama, there is trauma… heal the trauma.
Do not entangle yourself in this madness any further. Release yourself and let the healing begin’. You can follow her incredible blog and astro updates here https://gnosticwoman.com/
This reflects deeply for me what many of us as humans do. We chase, long for and pine for the unavailable, those that feed that deep ‘REJECTION’ story we hold. This is ‘Trauma Bonding’.
I was reflecting with a beloved friend about this and wondering to myself whether we move away and leave those that rub at that wound or whether we stick with it wound and all and learn to heal this part of ourselves. For it is through the exposure, understanding and loving of it we heal, not the shunning and running, yet sometimes this part is necessary until we are strong enough to face it. I am not quite clear on the answer to this yet, I guess it depends on the person, situation, depth of wound and a myriad of other scenarios.
Yet, I do know this:
I as an individual am brave enough to ‘show’ up warts and all with all that I am feeling and face that part and welcome it home. It’s a practise!
I am willing to be brave in the face of possible ‘rejection’ and begin to look at situations and people with a ‘different lens’.
I know finally I will no longer tolerate being a ‘scratching post’ for someone as I want more.
I will no longer chase after or give time or energy to that which I cannot change, this again is a pattern that feeds that rejection.
There are so many fragmented parts of our psyche and soul that are wounded through traumas, it is, for me, our responsibility to find a way to integrate ourselves. We cannot always control the external that create the trauma and some is ancestral or cultural or both, however, we can take control of the journey to assist the healing, we owe that to ourselves, to our beloveds.
Whilst we are never everyone’s flavour and some will not warm to us, others will turn to us with open arms and hearts and embrace all of us. These are the ones worth our time and attention.
Yes beloved, it is time for us all to know our worth deeply. It’s a journey, it has taken me years and still I forget, some of us hold on to this story so tightly afraid even more of the possibility of being loved for all we are and then the possibility of loss that we navigate through life in half measures, in unhappy relationships and unfulfilling jobs.
These times are challenging times, yet they are also times of deep inner transformation if we allow it. IF we are brave enough and generous enough to ourselves, to listen to our souls voice and ask ‘What is the impossible that only you can make possible?’ for this we have to stop rejecting ourselves and learn that even if we are alone, we are loved, deeply, fully and honestly….trust me in this truth….YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Stop rejecting yourself and the world will embrace you back. Trust me….in this I know.
With much love to you on this journey of life as we embrace these times and ourselves…In grace, Sarah